Not my finest Mommy moment.

Do you ever question the kind of parent you are? The kind of mother you are being, the kind of mommy you want your child to remember? I talk with friends, my husband, my mother, overanalyze every decision, word choice, action, reaction, discipline etc until I just can't think about it anymore.

Olivia is in the middle of her 2 year old tantrums, she's not like this all the time. We have mostly good moments and good days but the times when she's misbehaves it seems like it snowballs from there and after working all day, parenting alone (my husband and I work opposite shifts), cooking, cleaning, trying to fit in exercise and play time I'm on "E" by the time 8 pm rolls around.

The days are long, I want to make the most of the sunlight but sometimes I just count the minutes until bedtime... Then, when she's asleep I can barely pull myself out of her room because of the guilt. Oh the overwhelming guilt I feel for everything. For wishing away the last 30 minutes until bath and bed. For raising my voice at her over typical 2 year old behavior. For not apologizing when I'm out of line. For asking her to play by herself so I can have 3 minutes alone and some personal space. For everything. For my words, my tone. For her apologizing to me for something so toddlerish that I shouldn't expect her to know better. 'I’m sorry mommy' are the most heartbreaking words. There's this fine line that I dance on all day long - being sure I don’t over discipline and at the same time not raise a brat. Balancing when to stand my ground and when to give in. Wondering is she going to hate me? Fear me? Remember her childhood as good or bad, happy or sad?

This weekend was a busy one. We were on the go since Friday morning and didn't stop until yesterday afternoon. Between grocery shopping, helping some good friends, dance, church, dance recital pictures and errands we were out of the house all weekend except to sleep. Olivia was giving me a hard time last night preparing for bedtime and my reaction wasn't my finest mommy moment. I was tired and frustrated and still had a bunch of things to get done before starting my work week. Her going to sleep was essential to me having a few moments to myself amongst the craziness and it just wasn’t going smoothly. She knew I was upset and then she said it. "I'm sorry I made you mad, Mommy."

I immediately started crying. I stopped what I was doing and scooped her up, hugged her tight and apologized for being mean. That is exactly what I was - mean. Mean to my little girl who was just reacting to her crazy busy weekend in the only way she knew how. Me, the Mommy, I'm supposed to be her safe haven, her soft place to land, her security when she needs me and I'm the one who's acting like a child by reacting, rather, overreacting to her typical 2 year old ways.

We hugged and kissed, I apologized only a million times, we prayed and she told me she loved me in between the giggles since she doesn’t know how to hold a grudge. I put her to sleep, left her room and went to bed myself. I couldn’t get her little voice saying those words out of my head. I felt and still feel horrible.

I prayed so hard for forgiveness last night. He entrusted my with this beautiful little angel and what was I doing? I know we all have moments like this. I know I'm not alone which is comforting but last night was different. I'm so afraid to break her little spirit. I pray that I learn to embrace all the little things that go wrong and realize that it's just part of life that they're not make it or break it moments.

I need to slow down, let things happen, understand that everything won’t always go according to my plan and most of all remember, she's only 2 and I'm only learning.

Stacy's Story - Postpartum Depression

I am honored to have my dear friend Stacy guest post today and share her heart-wrenching and heart-warming story of learning to love her son Leo.  Her story brought me to tears and I hope that you enjoy it just as much as I did.  If you are or know someone who is dealing with similar postpartum symptoms please read all the way through and seek help.

Stacy, thanks so much for sharing your story so honestly. 

Stacy's Story - Postpartum Depression

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. My hope was to have four kids. All girls. But like most things in life plans changed, and they changed in a big way.  This is my story. Well, maybe that's not right, it's mine and Leo's story. Who's Leo? My baby boy. My beautiful, smiley, happy little guy. Already seeing the change? There's much more to it. This is not a funny story. It's not even a strictly happy story. It is raw. It is real. It is painful. And if any of it is familiar, please, force yourself to read it through.

Two years ago my husband and I gave birth to a beautiful, 7 lb baby girl. She was perfect. Dark black hair and gray eyes. Like the sea on a stormy day. Within one hour of her life she was taken away from my arms and placed in an oxyhood. My baby couldn't breathe.  She needed oxygen pumped straight into her tiny little lungs for 7 days straight. We finally got to bring her home on day nine. After that Bill and I had a serious talk about having any more children. God granted us this amazing gift and very quickly showed us how fragile she was. We decided not to be selfish. We would be grateful for the one angel baby we were given. It was much easier than we thought. We loved her so much! How could we ever have enough room in our hearts for another child? It was decided, Penelope would be our only child. Spoiled, loved and cherished above everything in our lives. Then, one month after celebrating Penelope's first birthday I found out I was pregnant.

An unplanned pregnancy, and though I denied it at the time, an unwanted pregnancy. We weighed the options and finally decided to put our faith in our Faith. If God wanted us to have another child we would have another child. I had a knot in my stomach when we told my mother. Felt nauseuous when we told my in-laws and then my father and his wife. By the time we were teling our friends the disdain was evident in my voice. I covered by saying I was fearful of a delivery like Penelope's. It was a viable excuse. No one could imagine going through what we went through once, let alone twice. Of course I was afraid. Inside I told myself I would feel better once I knew for a fact I was carrying another little girl. 

And its a boy. My husband is elated. My sister is ecstatic. My best friend actually does a little dance up and down the hallway. And I am miserable. I feel nothing for this alien child inside me. This child that I even refuse to think of as mine. I have no bond with him. I begin using his name, Leo, hoping it will help. It doesn't. How can I feel anything for this child I didn't want? Still don't want. Especially when I am watching this beautiful little girl grow. When she laughs, I melt. When she tells me she loves me and gives me kisses, I feel my heart bursting with love for her. There is no room for this other child. This boy. And I don't just mean in my heart.

We live in a two bedroom apartment. We are struggling to pay our rent already. And now we have a fourth mouth to feed. And where are we going to put him? Questions like this keep me up at night. Cause tension in my marriage. Make me feel even more resentment towards the baby inside me.  Then one night, three weeks before he is due, I go into labor. And barely make it into the delivery room before he comes out.

He cries right away, a sound we never heard with Penelope. And for a moment I think I can love him. I think I just needed to see him. To hold him. And all will be alright. But then I find out Penelope has had a terrible asthma attack and almost ended up in the hospital the same night I was giving birth. And suddenly this new baby doesn't matter anymore. My child, the child I've gotten to know and love for almost two years, needs me. Bill will take care of Penelope. All will be well. I need to focus on bonding with Leo.

I breastfed Penelope for nine months. I never had a problem. I cannot breastfeed Leo for even a week. He doesnt latch right, and my nipples become chapped and bleed. This does not help. It is like he doesn't want me anymore than I want him. Leo also suffers from acid reflux, though I do not know this for two months.  For two months all I know is I have a newborn who cries incessantly. And then my help leaves. The novelty wears off, the holidays are over (Leo was bornDecember 7), and everyone returns to their homes and jobs. Bill too, goes back to work. I am home alone with two very young children.

I will not go into all the details, but will cover some highlights. There were times when I locked myself in the bathroom and cried, while they both screamed on the other side of the door. There were times when I left Leo in his crib screaming while I held Penelope and acted like I couldn't hear him. There were times I would hold him, but away from my body cause I couldn't bear to look at him. There were times I would scream at him-scream-to shut up and go to sleep. I thought about giving him up. I thought about leaving him naked in the bathtub with the window open. I thought about taking Penelope and running away. I hated him for taking time away from my sweet girl. I hated my husband for not understanding. And in the few moments of clarity I had, I hated myself for having such thoughts and feelings. I talked to no one, for who could possibly understand. I didn't understand!! This was not me! I am a loving person, a compassionate person. A person who had dedicated her life to bettering the lives of children!  I have a Bachelor's degree in Elementary Education. I worked for a year in a preschool with special needs children. Surely, I could find some love for my own child?  I needed help.

I finally talked to my prenatal nurse. I did not tell her everything. She would hate me for being such an awful mother. I told her I was feeling overwhelmed. It was hard taking care of two young children. She gave me rules. Whether she knew that I was suffering from post pardum depression or just suspected, I don't know.


These are the rules:

EVERDAY you MUST:

1 Get our of bed.

2 Get the kids out of bed

3 Get dressed

4 Get the kids dressed

5 Take a shower

6 Make sure to eat and feed the kids 5-6 meals/snacks/bottles

Anything beyond that- ANYTHING, washing dishes, picking up toys, folding laundry, grocery shopping or even giving the kids a bath,-was extra. A bonus. A gold star on my chart of life. There were several days where I did not get a gold star. I only did the things on my list of rules. There were days where I had to force myself to complete some of the rules. But I forced my self to complete my to do list every day. And every day little, by very, very little, I felt better.

And then the day finally came. The day came when I looked at Leo and cried. I held him and cried, and apologized over and over and over again. I told him I loved him and I meant it. I loved this precious little boy more than my own life. My heart was full of Penelope, and it didn't make room. Instead I grew a second heart. A place for Leo alone. A place full of this sweet child. A part of me will never forgive myself for things I thought, said and did, but I will spend the rest of my life loving this little boy and being the best mommy I can, to try and make up for it.

If you are or have ever gone through postpartum depression. Or think you might be, please, talk to someone. Anyone. You are not a bad mother. You are not weak. You are a woman who has gone through a major life event. And most importantly, you are not alone. Follow the rules. Do not live day by day if that is too big. Live hour by hour. Minute by minute if you have to. But most importantly, have hope. You will come through this, and the love you have for your child will be so much stronger, because you had to fight for it so much harder.

Day 9: A moment in my day.

Finally the warmer weather is here.  The sun is shining and the days are longer.  This has to be my favorite time of year.

My sweet Olivia and I have developed quite a fun little tradition - nightly Popsicle's on our front bench.  Every night after dinner we clear the table and it never fails, she heads right to the freezer and asks for a 'pa-zikle'. 

I scoop her up and let her choose her color, most of the time it's red!  Once we get to the front bench she scoots up next to me as I open her little snack.  We talk about our day and sometimes she holds my hand.  

When she's done, typically she surprises me by picking some flowers and finding some rocks and she loves when I get so excited about my presents!

I cherish these moments.

Day 7 - My biggest FEAR.

I can already tell, this is going to be a tough one for me to write.  Something about feeling it and then putting this down, pen to paper, is a lot to take in.    Today's prompt - my biggest fear.    My biggest fear.   As a mother I have so many worries, fears and concerns but this is supposed to just be about the biggest one, so here goes.  

  My biggest fear is dying.    Now, I dont mean dying after living a long fulfilled life at the ripe old age of 99, I mean dying young.  Leaving my husband without a wife and even more importantly my daughter without a mother.    Just typing that makes me tear up.  Thinking about my daughter having to go through this life, in such a scary place without security and love from me, her mother, makes my stomach turn.    I just can't let my mind go there for very long.    I can't imagine someone else taking my place.  I can't imagine my husband marrying someone else.  I can't imagine not being the one to teach my daughter all the important life lessons.  Teaching her how to be a good girl, a respectable woman, a Godly woman.    Teaching her about love, life, faith.   I can't imagine missing her first day of school, the father/daughter dances, seeing her off on her first date, helping her choose a wedding dress, just being there for everything.   I can't imagine missing out on the late night talks about life where I share with her about me and my life, my experiences, my mistakes.  I can't imagine her learning about me from someone else - as just a memory.   No one would ever do as good of a job raising her, teaching her, loving her as I will.   I can't imagine the sense of loss she would feel if I weren't around.  

I can't imagine missing all the good stuff that's to come.  I even can't imagine missing the bad stuff.      

Fears

Since the tragedy in Newtown, CT my mind has been overcome with thinking of the 26 lives lost that day.  As a mother, I can’t even wrap my head around how the parents felt when they received that emergency phone call, how they felt when they were waiting and waiting to be reunited with their children, how they felt when their child never came and how they felt when they were told their children didn’t survive. 

That's every parent’s worst nightmare. 

I can’t even let myself think about it for very long because it's consuming me... but yet my mind keeps wandering there.  Thinking of those children, teachers and staff, their families and loved ones, Christmas without them, the presents they probably already had waiting for them under the tree.

I'm not even directly connected to anyone affected by the CT shooting but it's deeply affected me as a mother.  I feel like this tragedy has given me anxiety and I'm pretty sure I had a panic attack while I was at work yesterday.  I'm afraid of being away from my husband and Olivia for any amount of time.  I'm afraid that something will happen to one of us and we won’t all be together.  I'm afraid I won’t be able to protect my daughter.  I'm scared to go to the store because of a possible crazed gunman planning his attack.  ...but yet at the same time I know logically that I can’t live my life in fear like this.  I can’t control everything, God is in control, I know that, but it's not making this any easier. 

This world is a scary, scary place. 

It's even made me reevaluate things that I do naturally.  When you have a child I think you typically draw attention to yourself.  People tend to strike up conversation and start to talk to Olivia all the time.  I always encourage her to say hi, tell them your name etc.  Is that wrong?  Do I need to be fearful of people in general?  Should I just nod smile and keep moving?  It's this awkward place of wanting to be friendly and kind but yet not wanting to put myself or my child in danger. 

I hate having to even think about things like this.

I'm so thankful that Olivia doesn’t go to daycare or school yet.  I can’t even imagine how parents dropped their children off the following Monday morning after the shooting.  They must have been terrified. 

Olivia is home all day with her father while I'm at work and home with me when my husband goes to work.  I know she's safe being with a parent at all times but it still makes me panic when I call my husband during the day and he doesn’t answer, he's probably cooking or playing with Olivia but I can’t help my mind from going there.  From thinking the worst and immediately my anxiety is elevating and my emotions are on edge.  Yesterday I drove home and talked to my husband a good portion of my drive.  I knew that he and Olivia were ok but when I walked through the door and saw their faces I broke down in tears.  I felt relief that I was home, safe with my family. 

I've never experienced anything like this before and I'm praying that it passes and God will give me the peace my soul needs. 

I saw this video on the Today's Show and I loved the message.

http://todaynews.today.com/_news/2012/12/18/15975855-26acts-of-kindness-you-can-do-right-now?lite

How do you combat evil?  With good.  Do a random act of kindness for a stranger.  This always helps me feel better so I'm hoping that it will this time too.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

 

Fears - Let Go and Let God

(this post is prompted by 2 blogs I read, both of their daughters were just diagnosed with brain tumors.  Please lift the Wecks family and the Skelte family up in prayer.)   Before I had Olivia I used to worry about things, but I never knew the true meaning of what it felt like to really worry.    After you have a child, there's a part of your heart walking this earth outside of your body.  Exposed to things that you can't control with the possibility of coming into contact with sickness, hurt, danger, bad people...the list goes on and on.  Right after Olivia was born the fear and anxiety I had was so bad that I spoke to my ob/gyn about it and was diagnosed with post partum anxiety.  I knew that it was a mix of my hormones, having a new baby and no longer being able to protect her safely in my womb.  I also knew that the severity of my PPA would pass but it would never fully go away.    It wouldn't go away because there will always be new situations and experiences I'll have to face as a parent that will makes me a little uncomfortable... first day of daycare or school, leaving her with a new babysitter, letting someone else take her in their car, going to a friend's house... etc.     I spoke to my mentor at church about this and she challenged me to trust in God and believe in His plan for us and our family.  Regardless if I want or even feel like I'm in control, the control is ultimately the Lord's.  For me, this was a hard concept to grasp.  Being a newly saved Christian, I lived the last 29 years of my life my way, by my rules and yes I believed in God but I never knew or had this deep of an understanding of what and how I was supposed to trust and rely on Him.  I've been challenging myself to really trust God in this area lately.  Taking steps to let go a little more and trust that His plan for us is perfect.  I know that life won't always be easy and there will be bad or unfortunate things that happen but in the grand scheme of things, it's part of His plan.  His plan for us is good, His heart is kind and He doesn't want to hurt me.    I will worry every second of every day for the rest of my life about all things involving my daughter.   My greatest love is walking around outside of me, a piece of my heart is on its own.   You see so many horrible things happening around you, how can you not worry.   It's just such a difficult balance to step away from my worldly fears and trust in Him, but I'm learning.    What these families are going through is unimaginable to me.  The fear, pain and heartache that I feel just from reading their stories scares me to death.  What would I do if that was my daughter?  Would I be able to handle it with grace and truly trust Jesus to help me through?  Could I really step back and trust in God's great plan?  I'm not really sure and I know it would be so, so difficult, but what I do know is that I absolutely would not be able to do it without Him.   ...please pray for these families in this difficult time...  

Sleep update - Night 1

Thank you for all of your awesome responses from yesterdays post!  I received a variety of comments with all different suggestions, which just goes to show you that no one thing will work for every child and it was a great reminder to stay open minded and try different things with Olivia if my original plan didn't work.    All day yesterday I talked to Olivia about going to bed like a big girl.  I explained that Mommy wasn't going to be able to lay down with her but I'd sit in her room and she shouldn't be afraid.  During our conversations she did get a bit upset and cry at even the mention of going to sleep but I know it was just nerves from the stressful experience we'd had the past few nights.    After dinner I gave her a bath, got her jammied up, read some books and gave her a drink and brushed her teeth all while still talking about going to bed like a big girl.  I knew she was tired and I didn't want to chance her getting overtired so at 7:30 we said our goodnights to everyone, gave hugs and kisses and went into her room.  We said our prayers and I had her get into bed herself.  I turned on her sound machine, sat beside the bed and turned off the light.  She did ask me once to lay down but I gently reminded her that she was going to bed like a big girl.  There were no tears shed, she turned over, got comfy and fell right to sleep.  I waited about 5 minutes and was able to get up off the floor and walk out of the room with no problems!  She woke up earlier than normal at 6:30 but that's simply because she went to sleep so early...and she was probably so much more rested since bedtime wasn't a screaming, crying battle.  Night #1 was a success.       My method for putting her to sleep will be to stick with not getting into bed with her but sitting by her bed and gradually moving closer and closer to the door, away from her bed.  I need her to be confident enough to go to sleep on her own.  I know she can do it.    Now, let's all say a little prayer that this easy bedtime routine continues!  ......Amen.  

A Minnie Mouse Party!

When I started planning Olivia's 2nd birthday party I knew right away that I would have to go with a Minnie Mouse theme since she loves her so much.  Olivia's excitement when she saw the final result after all the balloons and decorations were up didn't dissapoint and I knew that I made the right choice. 
  The Minnie theme started when my awesome photog friend Jenn took Olivia's 2 year pictures and I found the most adorable prop - Minnie ears.  The pictures came out great, here is one of my favorites.  

I used my other favorite picture for her invitations that I had custom made on Etsy by Maddie Rose Designs.  She was great to work with and the whole process was super easy.  She sent me an attached file, I sent the pictures to CVS and picked them up in an hour.  The only thing I had to buy separately was the envelopes. 

  I kept the decorations pretty simple.  I made a pinterest inspired Minnie Mouse head picture banner and hung it on our dining room window.  It included a picture of Olivia the day she was born, a picture from her 1 year photo shoot and a bunch of my favorite pictures from her 2nd year.     I followed the theme of pink and black so we had tons of matching balloons and a couple store bought decorations here and there including a "happy birthday" banner, Minnie noise makers and a bunch of Minnie stuffed animals from Olivia's collection placed around the house.   

We used a pedal car that my dad, Olivia's Papa, bought for her

as an decoration with Minnie Mouse as the driver. 

It was adorable! 

I took a few pictures of Olivia in the car as well. 

She loved it! 

The party was filled with family and friends. 

It warmed my heart to be surrounded by people who love our girl so much. 

The day was spent playing and talking and catching up with family

we haven’t seen in a while.  We ate good food and yummy cake,

opened presents and sang "Happy Birthday!"

 

Olivia loved everyone and had a great time!  While we sang "Happy Birthday" Olivia was BEAMING with excitement and pride. 

She knew that it was for her and I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. 

As I was kneeling next to my big girl smiling from ear to ear

I just started crying with such joy because she is an amazing little girl. 

She was just so proud and happy and excited!

 

Here are a few more pictures from the day.  I didn’t capture many because I was so focused on being present and in the moment and I didn’t want to be behind the camera.

              ...and last but not least, I want to remember all the awesome things about my girl at age 2...      

Birth Story - Part 2

This post may not be especially interesting, it's more for my own documentation.   Posting this today since I haven't had a chance to upload all of the pictures from Olivia's birthday party yet.   If you didn't read Part 1 check it out now.    I shared the sentimental part of our birth story in Part 1 and now I'm going to share the moments in between. There are details that I want to remember forever, whether they're silly, embarrassing, special, stressful etc.  So here goes...   After being in the hospital for 2 days and having been bumped from the labor and delivery list twice because of emergencies, Joe and I were feeling a bit restless.  We walked, talked, watched TV, posted crazy pictures on facebook and most of all, just willed our little lady to make!some!progress!already!  Needless to say, it didn't happen.    When we finally made it to the labor and delivery floor, we had a room with (dun dun dun) a broken TV.  Being a first timer, Joe and I weren't sure how long this labor was going to take and obviously my husband needed some entertainment so he called maintenance.  The maintenance guys must have been busy since Joe called at 7:30 AM but they didn't show til about 11:45 AM.  After receiving Pitocin earlier that morning and being in labor now for almost 5 hours, I was in no mood to have the TV repair men at the foot of my bed trying to fix the TV.  In between 8cm contractions (note: I didn't know I was already 8cm since I had no idea what labor should feel like) I had 2 young maintenance men trying to make conversation with me.  Joe was completely oblivious to the fact that I was in agony (no epidural) and was chit chatting away.  Once my amazing nurse came back into the room, she kicked those guys out in no time.  We had no use for the TV, I was about to have this baby!  In the moment, I was so frustrated about these guys being in the room while I'm trying to breathe and focus and labor, but now, I'm glad to say that at almost 2 years later, I can look back and smile.  Not laugh, just smile.   - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -   Immediately after Olivia was born and her little pink body was placed into my arms I had fleeting thoughts of every emotion possible!  I distinctly remembering her crying and crying (all newborns cry, duh!) but I remember thinking "Oh my gosh, what have I just done?"  Obviously that was just nerves talking, because I was in love!      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -   After labor and being transferred to our room for the next few days, I was getting situated trying to walk and get comfortable moving around.  If you've had children before, you know the ultimate "nurse test" is going to the bathroom.  The nurse came into the room, told me I needed to pee and then the IV could be taken out.  I agreed, went into the bathroom and much to my surprise, mid-stream in walks the nurse who kneels down in front of me to make sure everything is in working order....  let's just call that one embarrassing!   - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -    If the nurse walking in on me in the bathroom wasn't enough, let's just say that when you're newly post-partum and breastfeeding, everyone sees more of your body than you'd like.  Newspaper delivery men, hospital photographers, visitors, nurses, doctors, maintenance.... by day 3 you're used to it!   Bottom line, amidst the crazy moments, we're moments of absolute bliss.  Our daughter was finally here, we were no longer a couple but now a family of 3.  We wouldn't change any part of our story one bit.  

It sticks, she knows

  Olivia put her baby doll on her bookshelf, walked away, turned around and ran up to her baby, picked her up and said "baby!  YaYa miss you, I work, I home now, love you baby!"   This, this just melted my heart.  I say these very words to Olivia every day when I get home from work after missing her like crazy for the 8 hours I'm away.  She gets it.  She knows why I'm not home and this means the world to me because I make a big deal out of it when I get home to ensure that she knows she's loved, even when I'm not with her.    It's hard juggling a full time job and home/family life.  That's why I get to work every day between 5am and 6am.  I'd rather lose sleep and work a few hours while Olivia's asleep which allows me  to get home for 2am and have the entire afternoon with my girl.  I'm so thankful that my boss is super flexible with my schedule and even more grateful that working opposite shifts from my husband allows Olivia to stay home with one of us at all times.     ...but nothing beats knowing that my 2 year old understands the meaning behind what I have been saying every day when I get home and every morning when my husband sees her after working all night.     She understands and can relate it to her world, with her baby, makes me proud.    We're doing something right.   

Birthday weekend re-cap.

This past weekend my baby girl turned 2 and we had a blast!!!  All of our efforts paid off when we saw the sheer excitement on Olivia's face during so many special moments throughout the weekend.  Birthday's are a big deal to me and I like to make them extra special.   ...and the best part, the celebration isn't over yet, her birthday party is this coming Saturday so my girl gets to have another day of fun dedicated to her!    (Planning her party for the following weekend as opposed to on her actual birthday was the best idea yet.  We spent family time together and did a bunch of fun things just for Olivia and next weekend we get to have more fun all over again!)   Saturday was her last day as a 1 year old.  We spent the day at a local festival and had a ton of fun walking around and enjoying the crisp fall weather.     Putting her to sleep that night was so bittersweet for me.  My little girl, growing up.  I lingered in her room a bit longer, gave her some extra hugs and kisses and snapped the last picture of her before she turned 2. 

Sleeping sweetly - October 6, 2012.   Her last night as a 1 year old.

After Olivia was asleep my husband and I blew up 3 dozen pink balloons and filled her room with them for a morning surprise!  When she woke up Sunday morning she was so excited with the "bloons!" 
I made her breakfast, her favorite, pancakes and bacon and we ate together as a family.  Olivia totally knew that it was her special day because she kept cheering "it's my bir-day! Hooray!"   After breakfast we opened presents.      We got dressed and played for a while.     We bought her a few things but her favorite was this Melissa and Doug shape sorter puzzle set.   My husband and I decided to take her out to lunch at one of our favorite little diners where she proudly ordered a "hot go (dog) and fries".  She told everyone "it's my bir-day!" and enjoyed all the attention! 

Acting silly at lunch!

 After lunch it was time for apple picking and unfortunately it was also time mother nature decided to start raining!  So, we improvised and had a short trip to the apple orchard and pumpkin patch.  Olivia loved it just the same.  We bought a few huge apples and some little pumpkins that Olivia picked out because the other ones were "too heavy!!!"  Since the weather didn't cooperate, we're going back one afternoon this week to do the corn maze and wagon ride.  

When we got home Olivia and I baked birthday chocolate chip cookies and enjoyed a couple of them warm, right out of the oven!     After dinner Olivia was pretty tired so we had a quick round of birthday cake, sang "Happy Birthday" about 5 times, took a bath and she fell fast asleep!      Olivia, I hope that you thoroughly enjoyed your birthday weekend!  Mommy and Daddy tried our best to make is super special and a ton of fun.  We love you more than words can express.  Happy 2nd birthday love!   (this week I'll share more about our plans for her birthday party this coming Saturday)   All pictures were previously shared on Instagram (my camera isnt working right, so sorry for the doubles)   Follow me on IG under username - Camarogirl819. All pics from this weekend are #OliviaTurns2 and #HappyBirthdayOlivia 

Today you're 2!

My sweet Olivia, today is your 2nd birthday.  Two whole years on this earth as part of our family.  What did we ever do before you were here?  Today you are waking up to dozens of balloons filling your room to celebrate you!  You're going to love it.  Today is going to be all about you.  We'll make your favorite breakfast of pancakes and bacon and spend the day doing fun things in honor of your special day!
  While we're celebrating, I won't be able to help but think back to exactly two years ago, on this very day when I was able to hold you in my arms for the first time and meet the baby I'd been loving for the past 9 months!  Meeting you changed our world.    Before it was just us, a couple, and now we were a family of 3.  Parents with a child.  A perfect little girl.  What a blessing!   We've had our moments over the past two years, two young parents learning how to be a married couple and how to be parents all at the same time.  It was amazing and rough, simple and complicated, fun yet exhausting...but most of all, it was perfect.  Not perfect as in nothing went wrong, perfect as in perfect for us.  For our story.  Exactly the way that God planned it to be for us.   Daddy and I are so, so grateful for you.  We are so thankful that we were chosen to be your parents and we pray every day for the ability to do our job as parents the best we possibly can.  We love you more than words can ever describe.    Happy birthday Love!  xoxo 

Photo taken by my dear friend Jenn for Olivia's 2 year photo shoot!

 ~Mommy     

What a wild ride

Just 2 short years ago, I was holding a squishy pink newborn baby girl in my arms

and now I'm chasing that very same spunky little kid around the house! 

2 years, just a blip on the radar. 

2 years that have flown by, yet dragged on. 

There's really no way to understand how the very same moment can seem long, yet fleeting. 

Some days it all just blends together and others every.single.moment stands out. 

It’s the mix of craziness and calm. 

Smiles and tears.  Giggles and cry's.  Hugs and kisses and boo-boos and tantrums. 

This is what life as a Mother is all about. 

As Olivia approaches 2 years old, I'm feeling a mix of emotions. 

Proud, yet sad.  Happy, yet scared.  Worried, yet excited. 

There are moments when I am overwhelmed by fear of not being needed anymore. 

Olivia is showing so many signs of independence and that makes my Mama-heart ache for the newborn days, yet push her forward being her biggest cheerleader. 

I eagerly look forward to watching her grow, experience life and learn more about who she is and what she likes, yet I'm paralyzed by the sadness that her "babyness" is disappearing before my eyes. 

My baby girl is turning into a little girl.

What a wild ride this thing called Motherhood is.

   

A Birth Story, 2 years later. Part 1

I never did write Olivia's birth story and as she's quickly approaching the 2 year old mark, I think it's about time.    Olivia's stubborn streak was made known even before she graced the earth with her presence.  On my due date of September 29, 2010 I had shown absolutely zero signs of labor. September 29th came and went completely uneventful.  I should have known that babies come when they're ready but being a first time Mom, this was the day I had looked forward to my entire pregnancy.  The day when I could finally lay my eyes on this perfect being that God had given us and hold her in my arms.  I longed for this day since January 19th when I saw that positive pregnancy test.     Turns out Olivia had no plans of coming on her own at all because 8 days later, I still had zero signs of labor and was induced.  Pitocin was started at 7:05am and my daughter was born at 1:21pm.   Those first few seconds after Olivia was born will be burned in my mind forever.  It was the most amazing feeling.  She was here!  I was holding our baby.  This was the moment I had been waiting for.  7lbs13oz of newborn baby girl, in my arms!   She was perfect in every way.  A good set of loud working lungs!  A head full of jet black hair.  Pouty lips and pink skin.  10 fingers and 10 toes with feet just like her Mama.    After spending a little while in the delivery room finishing up, we were moved to the postpartum floor and were able to spend the rest of the time getting to know our little Olivia.    Visitors came and held our sweet girl.  She met her Mum and Papa, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends.    October 7, 2010 was absolutely the best day of our entire life.     

In 6 days...

This week I'll be reflecting on my baby girls first 2 years of life.  It's amazing how fast, but yet how slowly this time has gone.  After this week I plan on discussing my faith journey a bit more to share how I've come to know the Lord and bits and pieces of my testimony thus far.  Hope you stick around.   In 6 short days our sweet Olivia will be 2 years old!  Two!Years!Old!  How does this happen?  Where has the time gone?  I swear there is some kind of time warp after you have children.  There is this mixture of feeling like she was just born but yet not remembering life before her.    Our life has never been richer.  Filled with love and excitement at seeing everything through the eyes of a child.  Our child.    It's an amazing feeling to show the world to this little being.  Watching her explore and seeing her grow.  Witnessing her heart grow kinder and more compassionate.   Seeing her become the caring little girl I long for her to be.    It's been (almost) two years with her and these have been the best two years of our lives.  Nothing compares to having a child of your own.  She's filled a spot in our lives that we didn't know was missing.    

Taken October 7, 2010.  First day on earth.

  

The epic horse and carriage ride...

Almost 2 months later and my daughter is still talking about the "neigh (horse) & cawwiage (carriage) ride with Mommy, Daddy and YaYa (Olivia)"

While on our annual summer vacation in Old Orchard Beach, Maine on a warm Thursday night we were wandering the streets of the main pier at the beach and across the way, Olivia spotted the huge white horse!  She loves animals with a passion so we walked right over to visit him, John was his name.

John is a big white draft horse who is sweet as can be.  We "oooh'd and aaah'd" over him.  Pet him for a few and then went on our way.  Joe saw both of our excitement over the horse and carriage ride so while Olivia and I were checking out some shops he disappeared.  A few minutes later he hurried us back outside where the carriage was waiting for us!  He surprised us with our very first horse and carriage ride.
 

It was perfect. 

The weather was gorgeous.  

Olivia was so excited and happy and kept telling us that we were on!a!carriage!ride! 

The ride lasted about a half hour.  We toured the quiet neighborhood that's hidden between the busy pier at the beach.  We could smell the salt water and feel the mist from the sea.  It really was just a perfect end to our awesome vacation.

Almost 2 months later, in the dark of Olivia's bedroom last night, is the most amazing part.  I could sense that she was almost asleep as her breathing became steady and all of a sudden she jumped up onto her knees and exclaimed...

"Mommy!  Beach, Daddy, Mommy, YaYa neigh cawwiage ride!" 

These are the things my husband and I live for.  The memories we make with her.  The little things that she remembers and loves to talk about.  Despite the trying times, the discipline and the stress, these are the moments we love the most!