More of my story - NSV

Looking within can be so difficult.  It makes you feel vulnerable and raw and emotional on so many levels.  Learning about who you are as a person is something that is essential for success in all areas of life.  Dedicating time to myself is something that I've always struggled with, especially now as a mother.    I'm linking up with KTJ to celebrate the non-scale victories.  I consider it a huge victory that I'm doing more than just eating right and exercising this time around.  I'm actually taking time for myself to figure things out.    I've discussed before that I had gastric bypass at 24 years old. I was young and immature and really didn't prepare myself mentally for what was to come.   For all the changes that would take place. For how I'd feel. How I'd have to feel because I couldn't eat. I eat to avoid feeling things.   Now, while this doesn't sound deep or complex it was. At 24 I was living for the moment. I was impulsive. You can include 'weight loss surgery' to the 'impulsive' list.

I wanted a quick fix. I wanted to have the surgery, lose weight and be normal. Little did I know what normal really meant.

Within a matter of 6 months I attended a seminar, learned about the surgery, completed all the required doctor visits and medical check-ups and then I was deemed ready for the surgery. I lost over 200 lbs in one year. It was successful. Or so they said.

Within that year I was super restricted on the amount of food I could eat. I made good choices because I had to. There was no room for more food to go and most things made me sick.

In August 2009 my grandmother passed away and I was devastated. This one event caused me to completely backpedal on my weight loss. I was making poor choices all around. Eating the wrong things, drinking too much alcohol, spending time with the wrong people and I was quickly spiraling out of control. I quickly stopped myself from drinking and seeing the wrong crowd but the poor eating habits still stuck around.   Between August 2009 and January 2010 I was slowly gaining weight here and there.    January 19, 2010 I found out I was pregnant.    I used the excuse "eating for 2" all the time and eventually ended up where I am today.  The bad eating habits went from once in a while to my normal routine.  Constantly making poor choices.  Foolishly thinking the weight would just fall off after I had Olivia and now look where I am.  2 1/2 years later and I'm even heavier.    Lately I've been really focused on thinking about my past.  Events that have led me to where I am in life, things that have happened or not happened that make me who I am today.  Some people say that I'm over-analyzing.  That I need to just get over the past and do it this time, exercise, lose weight and not worry about the past.    I feel differently.    Figuring out the what and why and how is essential for me.  I need to know these things in order to prevent the back pedaling from happening again.  

Weigh In Wednesday

This morning I found two awesome bloggers who are hosting a "Weigh in Wednesday" link-up for other bloggers who are on a mission to lose weight, get fit, get healthy etc.  I'm excited because it will give me the chance to meet other bloggers who are on the same journey as me and I'll also be looking for tips that have aided in their success.  If you want to read the beginning of my story it's here and here.   Basically, every Wednesday we'll link up with Alex and Erin and share our weight loss, inches loss or exercise successes for the prior week.   Without further adieu, I'm super happy to report that 1 week in I've lost 4.6 lbs!!!   Seeing that I was capable of losing weight this week was really motivating for me.  I knew that it would be difficult on a daily basis to make good choices but I did it and I'm so happy!   So far I haven't started any specific exercise plan.  I've mainly been focused on eating right and once I get that established then I'll be including exercise.  Grocery shopping this week was so different than it has been recently.  I bought a lot of chicken, shrimp, fish, turkey, beans, veggies and fruit.  Before I'd buy more snacks than anything else and that's what I'd eat to get me through the day.    My daily meals have looked something like this:   Breakfast - Kashi high protein cereal, 1% milk and a handful of blueberries with coffee Snack - Banana and a 100 calorie pack of cocoa almonds Lunch - Low sodium ham sandwich on a Flat Out wrap Snack - Apple Dinner - meat and veggies with a small carb, usually 1/2 a sweet potato Snack - grapes or walnuts   I need to be drinking more water throughout the day.  I'm really never thirsty and don't drink much of anything but I know that drinking a ton of water will help me reduce hunger and lose weight so that's on my to-do list for this next week.     Now, I have a long way to go.  I'm probably not going to share my actually weight here (until I've lost a significant amount) but I do have some before pictures that were taken on 1/1/13.  It's funny because I'm embarrassed to post pictures of myself on my blog but everyone I come in contact with on a daily basis sees me so what's the big deal?    

My first steps

It's 1/2/2013 which means I'm officially on Day 2 of my fat to fit lifestyle change.

First let me start out by saying the support I received on Facebook, Instagram, via text from friends and family and on my blog here has been nothing short of amazing and super encouraging.  Sometimes when I'm at my lowest and feeling so bad about myself I tend to think that no one cares or understands what I'm dealing with or going through.  When writing my last blog post I was so nervous that I would be judged or ridiculed and neither happened.  I was lifted up in prayer by so many friends, I received such heartwarming comments and words of encouragement - even from strangers who happened to read my blog. 

So, THANK YOU, everyone for your support, encouragement, prayers and kind words.

I've made a few changes so far and I think they're going to help so I decided to share them with you.

~ I joined www.myfitnesspal.com and started tracking everything I eat.  They have an app for smart phones so I have it handy at all times and you can even track your exercise and weight loss.  The neat thing is when you're entering what you've eaten mostly everything is already in their system so you just scroll through the choices and choose the one that matches what you need.

~ I kicked my Dunkin Donuts habit to the curb.  Every morning for longer than I can even remember I stopped at DD on my way into work and got a large iced coffee with extra milk and equal and a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese. 

When I put those 2 things into www.myfitnesspal.com it calculated 686 calories! 

Breakfast	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Protein
Dunkin Donuts - Large Iced Coffee With Whole Milk and Equal, 32 oz.	166	14	8	9
Dunkin Donuts - Cinnamon Raisin Bagel With Cream Cheese, 1 bagel	520	75	19	16
	686	89	27	25

686 calories for JUST breakfast, and the worst part is that it didn’t even satisfy me for long since it was all carbs.  Needless to say, no more Dunkin Donuts stops in the morning.  This morning I made coffee at home and had cheerios and a banana - my breakfast calorie count today is 330 calories.  Plus saved $5.00! 

~ I created a "Healthy for 2013" board on Pinterest and I've been finding and pinning easy and healthy recipes to make at home.   My plan is to find a recipe every day before leaving work that I'm going to make for dinner and if needed I'll stop at the grocery store on my way home.

~  I organized our cabinets at home and threw out all the junk. 

~ I took before pictures, weighed myself and took my measurements.  I know that I'll hit plateaus along this journey so keeping track of inches will help.  I did post my before pictures on Instagram - follow me - username Camarogirl819

Again, thank you for the encouragement.  I won’t be posting updates every day but this is my new life so I need to embrace it and may need to talk about it once in a while.  If you have any questions, suggestions or advice please feel free to ask or share.  I'll be happy to answer (almost) anything!

This scripture has really been on my heart lately and I pray that I exemplify it during my journey.  I'm scared that I'll fail but I can't live like that.  Every day is a fresh start and I'm going to take this one step at a time, one second, one minute, one hour at a time.  I can and will do this.

 

2013 = the year of no excuses

Like so many others making New Year’s resolutions, I'm jumping on the January 1st bandwagon to lose weight.  Let's back up a little bit so I can share more about me, my struggle with weight and where I've been before. 

I've struggled with my weight my entire life.  The only time I remember and actually have proof that I was a healthy weight was probably when I was around 4 or 5 years old.  I'm not even really sure what caused me to spiral out of control but I did and here I am.  I could make up a list of excuses and place the blame on a million different people or issues but I won’t because like it says above, this is going to be the year of no excuses.  In 2007 I had RNY Gastric Bypass surgery and lost over 200 lbs in a year and a half.  In December of 2009 I became pregnant and by the end of my pregnancy I had gained way too much weight.  I thought that I would lose it all and then some easily once I gave birth, but here I sit, 2+ years after having Olivia and I weigh more than I did when I was pregnant.  Unacceptable.

At this point it's not even about wanting to lose weight.  I have to.  There's no way that I can continue on the path I'm on and live my life to the fullest.  I feel like a horrible mother and wife because I know that I'm not the best example I can be for Olivia.  I'm so fearful of what the future holds if I don’t get up and do something about this now.  I'm afraid of tons of things.

...Olivia, embarrassed of me

...not being able to participate in activities with her because of my weight

...Olivia following in my footsteps

...dying

The list goes on and on.... it's overwhelming.

I'm definitely my own worst enemy.  My thought process when I think about dieting or changing my lifestyle is always a downward spiral of negativity.

I've failed before

Why bother

I'm so far behind

I have too much to lose

I'll never be skinny

I can't do this

Those are the things that always make me lose focus.  Those are the words I need to stop saying to myself. 

I'm super scared to be putting myself out here like this, publicly.  I'm scared that I'm going to fail and humiliate myself, I'm afraid that there won’t be any follow up posts about this because just like before I'll abandon the idea and go back to stuffing my face mindlessly and let myself slip further and further down this slippery slope of hopelessness. 

But, if I don’t start now then I don’t think I ever will.  ...and a month from now, I'll be glad I started now, a year from now I'll be even happier that I started a year ago.

I'm going to take "before" pictures tonight.  I may post them but I'm not sure.  It's embarrassing and I'm already feeling a bit nervous over hitting the publish button for this post. 

I doubt I'll share my weight on the internet but I will share how much I've lost in updates.  

I've been putting a lot of thought into what triggers me to snack or make poor choices and it's mostly boredom, habit and poor planning.  I plan on making the next day’s lunch during nap time in order to prepare ahead, if I feel like having a snack I need to be less impulsive and drink a bottle of water before eating anything and if I'm bored then I need to get moving. 

I need to remember that it won’t happen overnight, 

it's a journey and it's going to take a long time to reach the end. 

I feel like I have a little more support on my side this time around.  I have God.  I'm praying furiously for strength, determination, will power, motivation, positive thinking and anything else that I can think of. 

So there you have it.  My New Year's resolution.  The year of no excuses.  I'm both dreading it and looking forward to it all at the same time.  I scared out of my mind.

If you have any encouraging words or advice you'd like to offer, please do. 

If you've shared your own experience with losing weight then link me to your blog. 

I need all the support, prayers and encouragement I can get. 

Today is the last day of this me.  Tomorrow, the new Laura debuts.