This weekend was hard. My husband and I rarely see each other as mentioned in this post, and I think it's really starting to take it's toll. Saturday we were discussing finances and other random things that matter when you're a married couple and it turned into an argument. We were both getting frustrated and angry with each other and we let our frustration get out of control. I didn't want to argue with a baby on my hip so I put her in her bedroom to play while we sorted things out. We're both quite stubborn so neither one of us wanted to budge.... it lasted about 30 minutes. But those 30 minutes we're pretty intense... ...now, I know people argue but we made a promise to never expose our daughter it. So, Olivia played alone in her room for 30 minutes. That may not sound horrible but when we gave up and gave in, I went into Olivia's room and my poor girl had fallen asleep on her floor. Alone. When I walked into her room and saw my angel asleep on the floor my heart broke into a million pieces and I started sobbing. I felt like a horrible mother. My husband and I were being selfish and took time away from our daughter to argue about something we really shouldn't have let escalate in the first place. I picked Olivia up and put her down in her crib. She finished her nap where she should have been, but when she woke up, she was upset. Really, really upset. She woke up crying and she never does that. My girl usually wakes up talking and laughing, but this time, she was scared and sad. Olivia shouldn't have had to hear us argue. She was probably afraid in her room because we were upset and God knows babies sense tension so I can only imagine how upset that made her. It took us a while to calm her down. Believe me, this is not my best Mom moment. I'm still feeling guilty about it but let me just say, LESSON LEARNED. I will NEVER, EVER allow that to happen again. This was my worst Mom moment yet. 
This week has been l o n g and I only worked 3 out of 5 days..... I'm glad it's Friday and I can spend the weekend with my little family. I really miss spending time with my husband. We work opposite shifts and talk once a day, when I'm on my way home and he's on his way to work and my Mom is watching Olivia. It gets trying to say the least. Sometimes we're lucky enough to pass each other on the road, beep and wave. He's asleep when I leave for work and I'm asleep by the time he gets home so Saturday and Sunday are really our only time together as a family.By having this schedule, it saves us from daycare costs and Olivia gets to stay home with each of us, but sometimes I wonder if it is not as beneficial as having us parent together. Today marks 4 years ago that my father in law passed away. Today is a REALLY hard day for my husband. I cant imagine losing either of my parents. My husband took the night off from work so he didn't have to stress about being there when his mind is elsewhere. It doesn't help that I'm honestly no good in these situations. I can NEVER find the right words. I hate seeing my husband upset and I know that nothing I do can make it better... It's almost like the white elephant in the room. When I said bye to him this morning, I didn't know if I should mention it or say nothing. Not knowing what to say, I said nothing and then felt like a loser all the way into work.One of the things that really bothers us is that my father in law never got to meet Olivia. That kills my husband. They would have adored each other.
Today I'm linking up with Shannon @ Life After I Dew for So What! Wednesday. 
Today I'm saying So What! to a lot of things... ready, set, GO! ...if I took Monday and Tuesday of this week off as last minute vacation days? I needed to recharge. ...if my husband and I cleaned our room from top to bottom yesterday because it was a DISASTER? ...if we bought a cheap & semi-ugly bed in a bag set to finish off the room since we needed a new look in there... seriously, it's dorm-room-ish. ...I'm obsessed with InstaGram - find me under user name Camarogirl819 ...if I still use Camarogirl819 as my username for everything. I've used that name since I was 15 years old and my first car was a cherry red 1986 Camaro! The good old days! ...if I cheated on my diet yesterday and had a Reese's peanut butter heart... it was delish! ...if I have 2,600 pictures in my iPhone? ...if 99% of them are of Olivia...she's cute! Go over and check out Shannon's blog and link up for So What! Wednesday. She also has a question today about blog hosting that I can NOT answer, maybe you can???
I had this friend, we'll call her Jane. We'd been friends for a long time. 7 years to be exact.We'd been there for each other through so many life changes, career changes, college major changes.My marriage and the birth of Olivia.The end of her long 13 year relationship.Her mothers cancer and fathers drinking problem.My Grandmothers death.My father in laws death.Moving back in with our parents. Her starting a new relationship.Relationship problems. Family dynamic changes. The list goes on and on and on. Seriously. I could go on for days. But, one day, in November 2011, I guess she saw fit to end our friendship. Her way of doing that? Pressing the "delete friend" button on Facebook. After all these years and life changes and tears and laughs and coffee dates and shopping trips and babies born and weddings... that was her answer. Delete. When I realized that Jane was no longer my Facebook "friend" I thought there had to be some mistake. I messaged her, called her, texted her numerous times. I called her boyfriend to try to get some answers and finally got some info. She was upset with me. Why you ask? I have NO idea.I still don't know why. I finally got a text response from her in December and was told that she was busy with mid-terms and would contact me after the studying died down. I've never heard from her again. I'm at a crossroads now. I don't know whether to keep pushing the envelope and trying to contact her or just let it be. A part of me is upset with her too. Why didn't she value our friendship enough to CALL me and TALK to me and let me know that she was upset about something? How does an 7 year friendship go down the drain just like that? Just by the click of a button. Now, I'm hurt. At first I was angry that I wasn't approached. Now, I feel like my friend died. I feel like I never got to say good bye.
I'm linking up with Shannon @ Life After I Dew for So What! Wednesday. Today I'm saying So What! if..... ...I bared my soul in yesterday's post and it felt so good to get all my struggles out of my head! ...I contemplated deleting yesterdays post about 386,973 times. ...I'm obsessed with trashy reality TV, my favorite being Teen Mom 2. ...I need a new hair straightener since like 2 years ago but haven't bought one because I never do my hair. ...I'm going to buy a new one this weekend because I need to do more for myself. ...I put Olivia down for a nap yesterday and she slept for 3 hours...and so did I. ...I wore jeans and sneakers to work today because it's cold and I wanted to be comfy!
As this past new year approached I had some things in mind for myself to change. One being my eating habits. It is more of a need than anything. I've been headed towards a place with my weight that I'd rather not venture to again. A little background for you (we're about to get very real here....) In 2007 I had Gastric Bypass surgery to help me lose weight. I was at a place in my life that it was medically necessary. I was over 400 lbs and had tried every single diet and failed miserably. I'd lose and gain, lose and gain. Nothing was working, so my doctor recommended it, I had a trillion medical tests done to make sure I was physically and mentally ready for the surgery and in October of 2007 it was done. I spent the next 2 years of my life losing a ridiculous amount of weight, in excess of 200 lbs and I finally felt GOOD! Fast forward to December of 2009, I got pregnant. During my pregnancy I gained an astronomical amount of weight and was sure it was just because of the pregnancy and I'd easily lose it after Olivia was born. I was WRONG. Today, 15 months after Olivia was born, I weigh more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant. I feel awful. I feel like a failure. I feel disgusting. I feel like a bad mother. So, with the start of 2012, I promised myself and my family that I'd do something about my weight issue, again. I officially started watching every.single.thing I put in my mouth a week ago and it's working. I've lost 5.4 lbs in 7 days. Now, the beginning is easy. I get it. It's when you plateau that you need to dig in your heels, grit your teeth and keep pushing forward. I've been there. Today though, when I weight myself I felt a mix of emotions. I am grateful for the 5.4 lbs lost, but looking forward, I want to lose at least 100 lbs. That's a LONG way to go. I felt overwhelmed and defeated. I started doubting myself. Can I really do this? Why bother when it's such a huge mountain to climb? Those thoughts of doubt could certainly derail my efforts in a second. So, this is why I'm posting here. I need to be accountable. I need to document this and be able to look back and reflect on these very real feelings in order to move forward and continue with this journey. For myself, for my daughter and my family. I need to do this if I want to be around to watch my child grow. I hope that you wont judge me for where I've been, where I am or where I'm headed. This is sure to be an interesting journey as I try to lose the weight I've lost before. I really hope and pray that I can stick with it for life this time. One of my biggest fears is that Olivia will have to endure the same weight problems I have. I'll do anything in my power to prevent that and I think it starts now.
