Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Struggling

As this past new year approached I had some things in mind for myself to change. 
One being my eating habits.  It is more of a need than anything. 
I've been headed towards a place with my weight that I'd rather not venture to again.  
 
A little background for you (we're about to get very real here....) 
In 2007 I had Gastric Bypass surgery to help me lose weight. 
I was at a place in my life that it was medically necessary. 
I was over 400 lbs and had tried every single diet and failed miserably. 
I'd lose and gain, lose and gain. 
Nothing was working, so my doctor recommended it,
I had a trillion medical tests done to make sure I was physically and
mentally ready for the surgery and in October of 2007 it was done. 
I spent the next 2 years of my life losing a ridiculous amount of weight,
in excess of 200 lbs and I finally felt GOOD! 
 
Fast forward to December of 2009, I got pregnant. 
During my pregnancy I gained an astronomical amount of weight and
was sure it was just because of the pregnancy and
I'd easily lose it after Olivia was born. 
 
I was WRONG.
 
Today, 15 months after Olivia was born, I weigh more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant.
 
I feel awful.  I feel like a failure. 
I feel disgusting.  I feel like a bad mother.
 
So, with the start of 2012, I promised myself and my family that I'd do something about my weight issue, again
 
I officially started watching every.single.thing I put in my mouth a week ago and it's working. 
 
I've lost 5.4 lbs in 7 days. 
 
Now, the beginning is easy.  I get it. 
It's when you plateau that you need to dig in your heels, grit your teeth and keep pushing forward. 
I've been there.
 
Today though, when I weight myself I felt a mix of emotions.  I am grateful for the 5.4 lbs lost, but looking forward, I want to lose at least 100 lbs. 
That's a LONG way to go. 
I felt overwhelmed and defeated.
 
I started doubting myself.  Can I really do this?  Why bother when it's such a huge mountain to climb? 
 
Those thoughts of doubt could certainly derail my efforts in a second. 
 
So, this is why I'm posting here.  I need to be accountable. 
I need to document this and be able to look back and reflect on these
very real feelings in order to move forward and continue with this journey. 
For myself, for my daughter and my family. 
I need to do this if I want to be around to watch my child grow.  
 
I hope that you wont judge me for where I've been, where I am or where I'm headed.  This is sure to be an interesting journey as I try to lose the weight I've lost before.  
 
I really hope and pray that I can stick with it for life this time. 
One of my biggest fears is that Olivia will have to endure the same weight problems I have. 
I'll do anything in my power to prevent that and I think it starts now
 
 
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3 comments:

The Life of Susan said...

you can do this laura! i know it took a lot for you to put that out on your blog, but THANK YOU for being real and sharing your story! no judgment here girl. just keep your eyes fixed on your goal and go for it. :)

Callie Nicole said...

You can do it Laura! I think it's a great idea to share on the blog - Its great for accountability! And I think 5.4 pounds is amazing, even for the first week.

Emily w/Amazing Grapes said...

No one's judging you on anything. You've come a long way and I'm confident you'll be able to shed those pounds over time.

Don't look at the large # at the end. That's daunting. Instead, set small goals. 15lbs lost. Then another 15lbs. Or focus on 20lb losses. Whatever you're most comfortable with as your goal.

And if you can, exercise a bit. Walk around the block, that will really help as you watch everything you eat. (not sure if you are) and that can ultimately help with keeping it off in the long run.

Wishing you the best! I know its not easy by any means.
Here's a link to another blogger who set out to lose a lot of weight. I'm sure if you're needing an encouraging word, she'd be there for you. :)
http://tatianaandbrandon.blogspot.com/2011/12/her-story-hanna.html