Monday, June 3, 2013

Not my finest Mommy moment.

Do you ever question the kind of parent you are? The kind of mother you are being, the kind of mommy you want your child to remember? I talk with friends, my husband, my mother, overanalyze every decision, word choice, action, reaction, discipline etc until I just can't think about it anymore.

Olivia is in the middle of her 2 year old tantrums, she's not like this all the time. We have mostly good moments and good days but the times when she's misbehaves it seems like it snowballs from there and after working all day, parenting alone (my husband and I work opposite shifts), cooking, cleaning, trying to fit in exercise and play time I'm on "E" by the time 8 pm rolls around.

The days are long, I want to make the most of the sunlight but sometimes I just count the minutes until bedtime... Then, when she's asleep I can barely pull myself out of her room because of the guilt. Oh the overwhelming guilt I feel for everything. For wishing away the last 30 minutes until bath and bed. For raising my voice at her over typical 2 year old behavior. For not apologizing when I'm out of line. For asking her to play by herself so I can have 3 minutes alone and some personal space. For everything. For my words, my tone. For her apologizing to me for something so toddlerish that I shouldn't expect her to know better. 'I’m sorry mommy' are the most heartbreaking words. There's this fine line that I dance on all day long - being sure I don’t over discipline and at the same time not raise a brat. Balancing when to stand my ground and when to give in. Wondering is she going to hate me? Fear me? Remember her childhood as good or bad, happy or sad?

This weekend was a busy one. We were on the go since Friday morning and didn't stop until yesterday afternoon. Between grocery shopping, helping some good friends, dance, church, dance recital pictures and errands we were out of the house all weekend except to sleep. Olivia was giving me a hard time last night preparing for bedtime and my reaction wasn't my finest mommy moment. I was tired and frustrated and still had a bunch of things to get done before starting my work week. Her going to sleep was essential to me having a few moments to myself amongst the craziness and it just wasn’t going smoothly. She knew I was upset and then she said it. "I'm sorry I made you mad, Mommy."

I immediately started crying. I stopped what I was doing and scooped her up, hugged her tight and apologized for being mean. That is exactly what I was - mean. Mean to my little girl who was just reacting to her crazy busy weekend in the only way she knew how. Me, the Mommy, I'm supposed to be her safe haven, her soft place to land, her security when she needs me and I'm the one who's acting like a child by reacting, rather, overreacting to her typical 2 year old ways.

We hugged and kissed, I apologized only a million times, we prayed and she told me she loved me in between the giggles since she doesn’t know how to hold a grudge. I put her to sleep, left her room and went to bed myself. I couldn’t get her little voice saying those words out of my head. I felt and still feel horrible.

I prayed so hard for forgiveness last night. He entrusted my with this beautiful little angel and what was I doing? I know we all have moments like this. I know I'm not alone which is comforting but last night was different. I'm so afraid to break her little spirit. I pray that I learn to embrace all the little things that go wrong and realize that it's just part of life that they're not make it or break it moments.

I need to slow down, let things happen, understand that everything won’t always go according to my plan and most of all remember, she's only 2 and I'm only learning.

1 comment:

MSDeyle said...

I hate these bad mommy moments! But you ARE a great mother. She's ALSO hearing your say "I love you's" and hearing you apologize which is a great example of your sin AND redemption. She's blessed to have you as her mom!