My 6 Week Break

I wonder when I'll realize that I never know best, He does.  

I've written about my faith journey, finding my church, being saved and baptized (here and here) before and recently I thought that I needed a break.  A break from church, from the routine, from the Sunday morning Sunday school and service.  From fellowship.  From God.  

My week is busy, my husband and I each work full time and work opposite shifts, have family obligations, dance class for Olivia, grocery shopping, errands, friends etc.  so when I felt overwhelmed about 6 weeks ago I felt like I needed a break from something and I decided to skip church. 

 As I sat back relaxing that warm Sunday morning I watched the clock.  9:59 I remember thinking that we'd usually be settling into Sunday school - the Shipmates room, talking, drinking coffee, having a snack and getting ready for our lesson.  As the time ticked by I distracted myself with different things.  Glancing at the clock again it was 11:15, just about the time the worship music would be ending and we'd start the service in prayer.  A little pang in my heart told me that I knew I was missing something I loved so much.  The joyful noise that fills the room when the band starts playing and the choir starts singing gives me goosebumps every week and where was I?  At home missing it.  The day went on and I tried to not think about how this Sunday was the first in over a year that I'd missed church.  As the day ended I'd convinced myself that it was no big deal.  

The week went on and then Sunday came again.  I didn't go to church that Sunday either.  Against my better judgement I decided I still needed a break.  For the next 4 weeks I did the same thing.  Mother's Day was mixed in there, my mothers birthday, Olivia had a cold - all reasons I told myself that missing church had to happen.  That it was ok.  

Within these past 6 weeks something's changed though.  I've been irritable, easily frustrated, not praying as much, arguing with my husband over little things.  Doing all the things I do less of when I actually go to church, when I'm in the word, when I get refreshed by his grace each Sunday morning.

So many women from church reached out to me over these past 6 weeks and I love them for it.  Messages saying 'I miss you and the family, are you ok?, Can we pray for you? Do you need to talk? I'm thinking of you and praying for you!'  Each one made me smile and feel a little bit of regret and shame at the same time.  

This past week I knew that we needed to go back.  Being away for 6 weeks had done enough damage.  I'd missed enough lessons, bible studies and time in His presence.  I woke early on Sunday morning determined to go and Satan surely put every obstacle in my way.  My daughter being a bit fussy, spilled drinks, feeling tired and even a flat tire on my way there.  But, we made it. I felt such a peace as I pulled into the parking lot and fell right back into my Sunday morning routine.  The routine I thought I needed a break from felt so familiar and comfortable.  

All of my friends welcomed us back with open arms and hearts.  

It's funny that I took a break because I felt overwhelmed and too busy, little did I know He's my reprieve and my rest.

~Laura

When faith escapes you.

Faith is a funny thing, well, for me it is. It's been almost a year that my family has been consistently going to church, surrounded by like-minded faithful people (for the most part) and reading the word.

Depending on the circumstances, a year can seem so long or like it flew by. In this case it's the latter. I've made some amazing friends over the past year and so many people have embraced us and prayed for us and loved us when we were struggling and I'm so so thankful that God placed those people in the exact right spot at the exact right time for me.

Over the last few weeks something is off. I feel disconnected? I think that's the right word. I've been slacking on reading my bible, slacking on praying and even slacking on attending church (mostly for weather related reasons but still).

For me, church and Sunday school are necessary to revive me for the upcoming week and the everyday stresses that come along with life. I need to be there on Sunday morning and Sunday evening listening to our pastor preach the bible . I need to hear the message that God has placed on our pastors heart and I need to hear the message intended for me that day.

So, that being said, what's keeping me away? What's causing me to feel disconnected?

I'm not 100% sure but I think it has to do with feeling frustrated with myself and my lack of self worth. What I'm forgetting though, is that I am worth it to God. I'm lovable and worthy of His love, even when I don't love myself. That's such a hard concept for me to understand. To grasp. I wonder how He can love me when I mess up, time after time? How can He possibly forgive me for all of my many shortcomings? Why am I so important to Him but not important to myself?

Questions like this forever plague my mind. I'm a thinker. What I've been doing lately is thinking these thoughts but leaving out something huge, PRAYING about these thoughts. I need to pray to clarity and peace of mind. Pray for help with my self esteem and self worth. Pray to have just 1/100th of His love for myself. Pray for understanding about this path He has set me on. Pray that I'm following what He wants me to do and pray that I'm making a difference in the world.

I'll be praying today.

Profession - Part 2

Check here for my post yesterday about the journey that got us to this awesome day.  Our baptism day!

My emotions were running high all morning.  I was nervous, excited, anxious, grateful, humbled...but most importantly, I felt blessed.  Blessed to be here, in this spot, receiving this beautiful gift with my husband.  Being baptized together as a couple in front of our church family.

The morning flew by, getting everyone up, dressed and out the door for church didn’t leave much time to dwell on what was coming.  We went to breakfast as a family and prayed together for our approaching baptism.  As we sat in Sunday school my mind kept drifting off thinking about what was coming.  How it would go, how everything would play out.  All the details. 

After the 15 minute "almost time for service to start" bell rang it was all I could think about.  The amazing women in our Sunday school class all shared encouraging words as I grabbed my bag to leave which completely put me at ease.  Joe and I went to the baptistry and into our respective rooms to get ready.  This is when my emotions really took over!  Being away from Joe I was wondering what he was feeling and just wished I'd kissed him before we separated to get ready.  I put in my robe and waited while listening to the choir praise Jesus with their beautiful songs.  Joyce was in the baptistry with me helping me through the steps to ensure everything was seamless.  She talked with me the entire time to help keep my nerves at bay. 

When it was time for us, we walked out and I had a moment of tears.  Tears were shed for so many different reasons.  For the people who weren’t there, who didn’t come to support us.  Tears for our amazing friends who did come, tears for the people who helped us on our journey, tears for the amazing sacrifice Jesus made for me, tears for the future, for being blessed and able to raise Olivia to know Jesus.  Joyce and Jacquie saw me emotional and immediately prayed with me.  Their beautiful words lifted me up to the Lord and as quickly as the tears started, they stopped.  A peace came over me and I was calm. 

Our pastor spoke and I watched my love, my husband get baptized and then it was my turn. I walked into the baptistry water (of course I almost slipped going down the wet stairs)and pastor Glen shared a bit of our testimony to our church family.  While he was speaking I was surrounded by so many people who have helped me along in this journey.  In front of my stood Jacquie, Joyce and Amanda, behind me Pastor Glen and my husband, across the balcony was Renata and on the main floor Sarah and Ken.  All of which have encouraged, loved and prayed for us!  God certainly put these people in our lives for a reason.   

Then, as my husband stood to my pastors right hand side, I was baptized!

I am so happy, humbled and proud of my husband and myself for making this decision for our family, for Olivia and for our future.

After church service we were approached by so many people with hugs and congratulations!

The day was perfect and the love of Jesus was most certainly present and pulsing inside the walls of our church!

Profession

It's difficult for me to even put into words the experience I shared with my husband this past Sunday, January 20, 2013.  Together we outwardly shared an already inward change with our church family.  Together we took one important step in being obedient to the Lord and doing the right thing for our family.  Together.  That was the best part.  We did this together. 

Not even a full year ago my husband and I visited this church on a whim.  Church shopping was what we called it.  Little did I know what the Lord was going to do to our hearts.  Through this church we have met some of the most amazing Godly people who have embraced us and have truly had a hand in changing our family. 

That very first day as we sat through the service, moved to tears by the music, we filled out a visitors card, left the church and decided we'd be back to try it again.  We loved the music and the message but at that point we didn’t know what our future held, the plans God had already laid for us.  We had no idea how our lives were about to be changed.  From the visitor card I received a phone call asking me how we liked the service, if we'd be back?  At that time, I wasn’t ready to commit to anything.  I constantly procrastinated and made up excuses why I couldn’t talk or wasn’t interested or ready.  Jacquie didn’t give up.  She kept calling and kept trying to get through to me.  As the phone rang one day while I was in the car I saw it was the church number again and I was ready, so ready to tell her to please "just leave me alone". 

I answered and in an instant my heart changed.  We talked for 2 hours about life, family, faith, my past, my husband, my daughter, everything.  I made a commitment to meet with her the following Wednesday so she could answer my questions and questions I certainly had.  I made a list, a long list and that Wednesday she answered every single one.  That Wednesday I was saved.  I accepted Jesus into my heart, I confessed that I was a sinner and could only be saved by accepting that Jesus died on the cross for me and my sins. 

That Wednesday, July 11, 2012 was the start of this beautiful transformation in our lives.   

We began a discipleship program to learn about Christianity and so I could be re-taught things that I'd learned incorrectly before.  Then, in September, my husband was saved.  He started discipleship with one of the pastors and we began this journey together.  We learned and grew as husband and wife, as parents, as Christians.  We made changes to our lives to remove the sinful and learned how to live a more Christ-like life.  We made mistakes and still leaned toward sin but we prayed to do better and confessed our sins to Jesus.  We made conscious decisions to try harder to be better for Him, our family and ourselves. 

This Sunday was the culmination of all those changes, prayers and discipleship lessons.  This Sunday we finally made the outward profession of our inward change.  We were baptized! 

I have so many details I want to share about our experience.  Check back tomorrow for the rest!

An outward expression.....

...of an inward change.    Turns out I am ready - well, we're ready to take the plunge (pun intended!) and get baptized!  I've discussed my new found faith - not sure how much longer I can call it new - a few times before on here but most recently the idea of baptism was presented to my husband and I and for some reason I was totally nervous, shell shocked, not ready.  (If you want to read more about that, go here.)   ...or so I thought.   It's funny how God works on your heart when you pray to Him about your concerns or fears.  It had been about 2 months that I was concerned about making this decision.  I had reservations deciding if this was the right thing for me and my family.  I was worried that my family who wasn't following the same path would be mad that I'd changed religions and left the Catholic church.  I was worried that I didn't know enough, wasn't a good enough Christian and wasn't seasoned enough in the faith to do this.   What I didn't take the time to think about is that I'd already made a change.  I was a different person before going to church and being saved than I am today and there's only one explanation for that and it's Jesus.  I live my life a totally different way than before.  I live to please the Lord.  I live to honor Him and show the world His light.  I'm different.    Something that really struck a cord with me and made it click was when one of the pastors at my church said "Baptism is an outward expression of an inward change."  Boom - got it.  The change was already done.  I've been changed since July 11, 2012 and now I get to outwardly express this change in front of my church family this coming Sunday!  My husband and I will be baptized this Sunday January 20, 2013 and I'm so, so honored, humbled and excited!   Please pray for us as we take this awesome step in our faith journey.   "Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen."  Matthew 28 :: 19-20  

Fears

Since the tragedy in Newtown, CT my mind has been overcome with thinking of the 26 lives lost that day.  As a mother, I can’t even wrap my head around how the parents felt when they received that emergency phone call, how they felt when they were waiting and waiting to be reunited with their children, how they felt when their child never came and how they felt when they were told their children didn’t survive. 

That's every parent’s worst nightmare. 

I can’t even let myself think about it for very long because it's consuming me... but yet my mind keeps wandering there.  Thinking of those children, teachers and staff, their families and loved ones, Christmas without them, the presents they probably already had waiting for them under the tree.

I'm not even directly connected to anyone affected by the CT shooting but it's deeply affected me as a mother.  I feel like this tragedy has given me anxiety and I'm pretty sure I had a panic attack while I was at work yesterday.  I'm afraid of being away from my husband and Olivia for any amount of time.  I'm afraid that something will happen to one of us and we won’t all be together.  I'm afraid I won’t be able to protect my daughter.  I'm scared to go to the store because of a possible crazed gunman planning his attack.  ...but yet at the same time I know logically that I can’t live my life in fear like this.  I can’t control everything, God is in control, I know that, but it's not making this any easier. 

This world is a scary, scary place. 

It's even made me reevaluate things that I do naturally.  When you have a child I think you typically draw attention to yourself.  People tend to strike up conversation and start to talk to Olivia all the time.  I always encourage her to say hi, tell them your name etc.  Is that wrong?  Do I need to be fearful of people in general?  Should I just nod smile and keep moving?  It's this awkward place of wanting to be friendly and kind but yet not wanting to put myself or my child in danger. 

I hate having to even think about things like this.

I'm so thankful that Olivia doesn’t go to daycare or school yet.  I can’t even imagine how parents dropped their children off the following Monday morning after the shooting.  They must have been terrified. 

Olivia is home all day with her father while I'm at work and home with me when my husband goes to work.  I know she's safe being with a parent at all times but it still makes me panic when I call my husband during the day and he doesn’t answer, he's probably cooking or playing with Olivia but I can’t help my mind from going there.  From thinking the worst and immediately my anxiety is elevating and my emotions are on edge.  Yesterday I drove home and talked to my husband a good portion of my drive.  I knew that he and Olivia were ok but when I walked through the door and saw their faces I broke down in tears.  I felt relief that I was home, safe with my family. 

I've never experienced anything like this before and I'm praying that it passes and God will give me the peace my soul needs. 

I saw this video on the Today's Show and I loved the message.

http://todaynews.today.com/_news/2012/12/18/15975855-26acts-of-kindness-you-can-do-right-now?lite

How do you combat evil?  With good.  Do a random act of kindness for a stranger.  This always helps me feel better so I'm hoping that it will this time too.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

 

Baptism & Hesitation

I've talked about my faith before in bits and pieces.  It's something that still new to me.  I wonder if I'll always feel this way or if I'll ever feel comfortable with the amount of stuff I know, my relationship with Jesus and my actions, sins and prayers.  I don’t know.  Every day I struggle with little things, doubts and questions.  It's because I'm still learning, but partially because I'm a thinker. 
I over think and over-analyze everything.

I was saved on July 11, 2012 and I am firm in my beliefs.  I believe that Jesus is my savior and he was born, lived and died for all of our sins.  There's no question in my mind about this. 

My hesitation comes in when I think about taking the next steps, baptism.  I was supposed to be baptized in November with my husband but I asked for it to be postponed.  I was baptized as an infant in a Catholic church, but Christians don’t believe that this 'counts' since it wasn’t something I chose to do.  With baptism comes church membership and while I love our church I have this funny hesitant feeling about taking this step.  I think that part of my worry is that my family doesn’t believe in or really support what we're doing.  They are non-practicing Catholics and have no interest in coming to church with us or even going to their own church.  This makes me feel bad because the way I grew up, in a Catholic baptism it's a celebration.  The baby is baptized and there's a family gathering afterwards and it seems strange to me to go to church, get baptized and then go home as if nothing happened.  Not that I need to have a party or anything but some acknowledgement would be nice. 

Maybe I'm a little bitter because I don’t have their support?

Maybe a piece of me feels like it's disrespectful to my family that I'm choosing a different religious path?  Even though I know that this is the right thing for me, my husband and Olivia, it's been made clear that since they were "born Catholic, they'll die Catholic" and part of me feels like they expect the same from me. 

I've been praying about it, but I'm not quite there yet. 
Have any of you had the same hesitation?  What did you end up doing about it?

Pray for me to gain clarity in this area.

(Please know that regardless of my family's lack of interest in my faith I still love them deeply and don't judge their decisions about their faith.  I guess everyone has to do what feels right to them.  I just don't want this to come off as me soudning like I think I'm better than them etc.)

I'm not lucky.

....I'm blessed.    I get such a funny feeling when people call me lucky.  I mean, I never felt this way before but now that I know Jesus, I do.   Today in particular His blessings have been abundant.  Two weeks ago, my husband was in a minor car accident, however, it wasnt his fault.  The insurance appraisal just went through and we received a check in the mail to fix the damage.  I called the body shop and explained that we may not fix the physical damage to the door of the car because we have other mechanical problems with the car that are more imporatnt for our family's safety and we cant afford to fix both.  The owner of the shop asked me what specific items needed to be fixed so I explained, tie rods, sway bar links and O2 sensor.  Our previous estimate was around $400.  Without skipping a beat, he said, "ok, no problem, we'll fix it all and incorpirate it into the appraisal price"   BLESSED!   My daughters 2nd birthday is coming up and to coordinate with her Minnie Mouse party theme, we've been looking for an outfit with Minnie on it for her to wear.  We found a few but they were out of our price range.  Today, my husband went to the mall to look quickly and just hanging all alone on the end of a rack was the most adorable Minnie outfit in my daughters size and on clearance for 1/2 price!    BLESSED!   Sometimes the blessings are big and sometimes small - honestly, today I've experienced one of each and both were equally as exciting and helpful to us.    Anytime I'm blessed by God, praises of thanks go up to Him and I look for a way to bless someone around me.  Now, I need to find a way to pay it forward.