An epiphany.

{Written 3/19/13}

I posted this picture on Instagram the other day because I had a moment. You know what I mean by a moment? An epiphany. When a lightbulb goes off?

My normal nighttime routine has been the same for as long as I can remember, give Olivia a bath, put her to bed, make my lunch for work the next day, finish leftover chores, grab a snack and a drink and watch a show on the DVR, then bed.

Not much has changed with my routine, but what has changed is what snack and drink I grab. In the past it would be any of the following - chips, fritos, chocolate, ice cream - you know, the taste good, bad for you stuff? That. Oh - and a soda.

Now? Now my snack is different. Now I grab fruit salad (my latest obsession - zero points!!) or an apple or a banana, something healthy. And my water - my 25 oz water bottle to be exact.

So, the epiphany? I've always watched The Biggest Loser which in turn leads me to eating while watching a weight loss show. But, in the past I'd be sitting there eating crap and drinking soda and wondering to myself 'why are they successful and I'm not?' all while having this internal pity party.

This past Monday as I was eating my fruit salad and drinking water it just made me feel so good, so proud of myself for finally, finally making a healthy choice for myself. And for the first time there was no internal pity party. Nope. For the first time I had a feeling of 'I got this' 'I'm doing this' 'I'm making progress!' And I felt good.

Little NSV Changes

When I started this weight loss journey I knew for a fact that I needed to start making healthier food choices. I also knew that working out would become part of my new routine but right now I am focusing on taking one step at a time. Since January I've lost 18 lbs. I've also started doing little things here and there to help incorporate more moving into my life.

Taking the stairs - I was an elevator girl. The stairs at work are literally right next to the elevator but I'd bypass them every morning and push the up arrow instead. I probably could have made it upstairs and to my office before the elevator even opened since it’s so old and slow but I chose to be lazy. Now, I take the stairs every day. Sometimes I even go up, back down and up again to get a few more steps in. Silly, but it's movement.

Jumping Rope - does anyone remember how easy it used to be to jump rope? Well, it’s not that easy anymore! I bought one the other day at Target for $5.99. I figured it wouldn't require me to leave the house and I could go in the garage and jump after Olivia's in bed every night. It's way harder than I thought it would be. Y first attempt I struggled to jump 10 consecutive times so I kept starting over. When I finally did it I exclaimed 'yeah!!' and put the jump rope down - finally!

Jumping jacks - also something that used to be easy and now I'm sure I look like a fool, but again, it's movement. I never want to do them in front of a mirror though! In my office at work I’ll get up randomly throughout the day and do 10-20 jumping jacks, sit back down and start working again. Let’s hope no one walks in my office without knocking and sees me acting crazy!

Running in place - this is also something I do in my office or at home. Just run in place while counting to 50. Easy enough.

At the beginning of my journey I joined a gym and while they have awesome hours - open 24 hrs - the only time I can go is before work which for me is 3:00 am. That means waking up at 2:50, driving there, work out till 4:00, shower, get ready and make it to work for 5:00. Times when I actually did this I was so exhausted from losing sleep that I could hardly function. For now, these little changes I've incorporated are going to have to do until we have nicer weather and can exercise outside.

Head over to KTJ's blog and link up to share your NSV!

More of my story - NSV

Looking within can be so difficult.  It makes you feel vulnerable and raw and emotional on so many levels.  Learning about who you are as a person is something that is essential for success in all areas of life.  Dedicating time to myself is something that I've always struggled with, especially now as a mother.    I'm linking up with KTJ to celebrate the non-scale victories.  I consider it a huge victory that I'm doing more than just eating right and exercising this time around.  I'm actually taking time for myself to figure things out.    I've discussed before that I had gastric bypass at 24 years old. I was young and immature and really didn't prepare myself mentally for what was to come.   For all the changes that would take place. For how I'd feel. How I'd have to feel because I couldn't eat. I eat to avoid feeling things.   Now, while this doesn't sound deep or complex it was. At 24 I was living for the moment. I was impulsive. You can include 'weight loss surgery' to the 'impulsive' list.

I wanted a quick fix. I wanted to have the surgery, lose weight and be normal. Little did I know what normal really meant.

Within a matter of 6 months I attended a seminar, learned about the surgery, completed all the required doctor visits and medical check-ups and then I was deemed ready for the surgery. I lost over 200 lbs in one year. It was successful. Or so they said.

Within that year I was super restricted on the amount of food I could eat. I made good choices because I had to. There was no room for more food to go and most things made me sick.

In August 2009 my grandmother passed away and I was devastated. This one event caused me to completely backpedal on my weight loss. I was making poor choices all around. Eating the wrong things, drinking too much alcohol, spending time with the wrong people and I was quickly spiraling out of control. I quickly stopped myself from drinking and seeing the wrong crowd but the poor eating habits still stuck around.   Between August 2009 and January 2010 I was slowly gaining weight here and there.    January 19, 2010 I found out I was pregnant.    I used the excuse "eating for 2" all the time and eventually ended up where I am today.  The bad eating habits went from once in a while to my normal routine.  Constantly making poor choices.  Foolishly thinking the weight would just fall off after I had Olivia and now look where I am.  2 1/2 years later and I'm even heavier.    Lately I've been really focused on thinking about my past.  Events that have led me to where I am in life, things that have happened or not happened that make me who I am today.  Some people say that I'm over-analyzing.  That I need to just get over the past and do it this time, exercise, lose weight and not worry about the past.    I feel differently.    Figuring out the what and why and how is essential for me.  I need to know these things in order to prevent the back pedaling from happening again.  

Why does it matter?

People's words, actions, lack there of etc - why do they matter to me? Within the past week I've been in situations where I wanted to just crawl in a hole and wait til dark to come back out.

At Target the other day, I'm with my daughter and being Valentines week the store was kind of busy. Minding my own business we're walking along and I hear 2 teenagers talking. Now, I couldn't make out exactly what was being said but the comments, what I could put together from them, were geared towards me and my weight. There's a chance that maybe, just maybe, please God let it be, that I was mistaken, but I'm almost 90% positive that their conversation was about me and it was mean.

I don't know these people, they shouldn't matter to me, their words or opinion of me shouldn't rate anywhere on my radar, it shouldn't have an effect on me or my self esteem but it did, it does.

And I'm still thinking about it.

Yesterday I ran into someone I used to know. We caught eyes for a second and I thought I knew who it was but I wasn't 100% sure. Then there was laughter, legit in my face laughter. It was a mocking laugh that stuck with me all afternoon. I've never done or said anything to this person before that would warrant this type of response to seeing me. The only thing I can think of is maybe they read my blog? Maybe they were mocking me because they know my struggles and thought it was something to laugh about?

Maybe they're just rude.

Again, I don't have any investment in this person nor should it matter to me one bit what they say or think of me. But, you know what? It still hurts deeply. It's been on my mind all afternoon. So much so that I reached out to them on Facebook, I can see they read my message and yet there's no reply. Which sort of indicates to me that I'm right. That they were laughing at me.

I know I'm overweight. It's pretty obvious since I see myself every day in the mirror. This week in general has been difficult with some self sabotage and then these 2 encounters. I could sit here and validate these 2 things and make my self esteem even that much lower, but right now, I'm going to try talk myself out of it.

They don't know me. They have no idea who I am, as a person, a mother, a wife, a Jesus follower, a friend, daughter. They don't know that I'm kind and funny and friendly and sensitive (so sensitive) and shy. They don't know that I'm probably one of the most approachable people in the world and I'd do my best to try to help anyone if I can. They don't know that I wake up at 3:30 in the morning to go to the gym because I'm trying to lose weight. They don't know the core of me, the woman I really am.

And with that mindset, that #1 its ok to make fun of people #2 people who are different aren't worthy, with that mindset, they'll never get to know me and they're the ones missing out.

So, I had a good cry. I talked to one of my best friends who really helped put things in perspective and while the hurt is still there, I'm ok.

Weigh in Wednsday - Bad habits

Linking up with Erin and Alex today for Weigh in Wednesday.  I actually did not weigh myself this week because I messed up.  I need some time to recoup and get my mind back in a good place regarding this journey. 

It's so easy, so very easy, for bad habits to come creeping back in without even realizing it. This past week/weekend were hard.

We were slammed with a blizzard and in preparation of being snowed in we did some grocery shopping. I made the big, huge, gigantic mistake of 'picking up a small box of chocolates'. You know the heart shaped boxes for Valentine’s day? Yea, those. Well, in my mind I totally justified it saying that I'd only eat one and it was no big deal, they weren't for me - they're for everyone else, I don't even WANT them. Who did I think I was fooling? Guess where those chocolates are? That's right, they're gone. All gone. Because I have zero self control.

And in an effort to keep it real around here because who am I fooling, I also had some Fritos. Want to know why that was justified? Well, ready for the biggest lame excuse of the year? I had to stop at a local convenience store for eggs. They were $3. The store has a $5 minimum debit card transaction. The (2 bags) Fritos were .99 each. Perfect right? Fat Laura thought so... So they came home with me - only to be gone the very same day. No moderation. No portion control. No second thought until it was too late.

So, now that I've admitted it, thought about it, felt guilt over it, let food control me AGAIN, now what do I do? Well. The old Laura would let this be the very first step down a slippery slope of complete self destruction... But now? That's NOT me anymore. Did you hear that Laura? That's not you anymore. You will not let this ruin you. You will not be the victim of your own self sabotage again. You will not let this be the mistake that sets you off.

I will let this be a very big lesson. I am not ready to have 'just one' of anything. It’s just not in me. I'm not ready to allow myself to cheat. I haven't earned that right yet. I will not let food win. I will not go back to where I was on December 31, 2012... Even though its only a measly 14 lbs heavier I will not go back there.

And even as I typed that I haven't earned it - why the hell would I want to earn a food reward? This thinking makes no sense. Why does food have control over me like this?

I wish I had an answer to that.

Non-Scale Victories

Linking up with KTJ and Lex to celebrate the non-scale victories!  Most of the time we put too much focus on the number on the scale and ONLY that, this link up is to remind ourselves that this journey is SO much more than that.  There's other changes and decisions along the way that really aid in our success.   ~ Today was the day, my first day at the gym.  I woke up super, super early - like 3:30 am early, threw on my gym clothes and headed out the door.  I'm really out of shape, like really.  I realized just how far I physically have to go today, but, I was there, I went and I worked out.  I did the treadmill, elliptical and recumbent bike.   ~ I took the stairs at work.  It's second nature for me to walk right by the staircase and hit the elevator button... which is exactly what I did today, however, when the doors opened, I turned around and walked away.  I walked back to the staircase instead.     ~ I skipped Dunkin Donuts this morning.  After my workout I really wanted a coffee but I just kept driving and decided against it.  I have my water and that's enough.   ~ I've been staying prepared.  I packed today's lunch & snack last night so I wouldn't be scrambling last minute this morning.  I got my water ready and gym bag packed.  Failure to prepare is preparing to fail - right?   Now head on over to KTJ and Lex's blogs to link up and share your non-scale victories.    

Weigh in Wednesday

I've been staying away from the scale on purpose - the last time I weighed in was January 9th.  At that point I was down 4.6 lbs and feeling good.  I've been eating well, drinking a lot of water and trying to avoid emotional eating which is something that's really hard for me.    The last week and a half was a big struggle for me because I had my lovely monthly visitor and cravings were out of control.  I did indulge every once in a while in a handful of chips but that's nothing compared to how I used to eat.    A month into this journey and I'm sticking with it.  For me, that's a huge accomplishment.  I'm very much satisfied by instant gratification so sticking with diets has never worked for me in the past.    What I'm learning about myself and what I'm mentally and physically capable of doing is more important in the long run than reaching a specific number on the scale.    ~I'm learning that if I put my mind to something I will see results.  ~I'm learning that it's ok if I don't have that extra helping at dinner.  ~I'm learning that it's ok to crave something and NOT eat it.  ~I'm learning that I'll live if I'm a little bit hungry.      I'm learning that the JOURNEY is just as important, if not MORE important than the GOAL.    With that being said, onto the good stuff.    Last night I took my measurements and compared them to when I started this journey.  I've lost at LEAST a 1/2 inch if not more from each measurement!  I can feel that my clothes are fitting better and I can see a slight difference in my face.   I also got on the scale and drum roll please....   I've lost 14.4 lbs!  (since January 1)   I'm proud of myself so far.  I know that I can do this and now it's time to step up my game.     This happened yesterday - my husband and I joined the gym!   ...and a little something that's been motivating me lately.     While I'm doing this for me and my health - there's SO much more to it than that.  Being a good role model for my daughter is one of my biggest worries.  Olivia, I'm doing this for you too!   She is clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future. Provers 31:25   Linking up with Erin and Alex today for Weigh in Wednesday - go there and check out their progress along with everyone else who has linked up!     PS - I'm also participating in a blogger giveaway with a total prize valued at $120!  Check out the details HERE!  

Celebrating the Non-Scale Victories

I'm all about the number on the scale but sometimes, well, all of the time, I need to also focus on the many little changes that I've been making which aids in that number trending down.  Today I'm linking up with KTJ and Lex to celebrate my non-scale victories this week.   ~ I've been craving chocolate or some type of equally bad for you snack and I haven't given in.  I haven't made any excuses for myself as to why I deserve it, want it, need it etc.  If you knew me, you'd understand that I'm really good at talking myself into believing these dumb things when it comes to food.  For the past two nights when I was really wanting a snack I decided to just focus on making my healthy lunch for work the next day which helped take my mind off it.   ~ I am joining a gym this weekend to incorporate exercise into my routine.  I'll be adjusting my work schedule a bit to not interfere with Olivia's schedule so I can work out super duper early in the morning before work.  Sneakers have been purchased, not I just need to treat myself to a cute workout outfit and a gym bag.   ~ Food - more specifically cooking.  This week I've been focused on cooking really tasty but healthy dinners.  My normal routine when I leave work is to put Olivia down for a nap and then start dinner.  This gives me plenty of time to prepare and make something good.  This week we've had baked fish and roasted veggies and sweet potatoes, salad and roasted chicken.    Head over to KTJ's blog to link up and share your non-scale victories for the week.  Seeing the number on the scale move is great but when it doesn't it's really important to help yourself stay motivated and what better way to do that than to brag a bit about changes you're making to help you along the way!  

 

Weigh In Wednesday

This morning I found two awesome bloggers who are hosting a "Weigh in Wednesday" link-up for other bloggers who are on a mission to lose weight, get fit, get healthy etc.  I'm excited because it will give me the chance to meet other bloggers who are on the same journey as me and I'll also be looking for tips that have aided in their success.  If you want to read the beginning of my story it's here and here.   Basically, every Wednesday we'll link up with Alex and Erin and share our weight loss, inches loss or exercise successes for the prior week.   Without further adieu, I'm super happy to report that 1 week in I've lost 4.6 lbs!!!   Seeing that I was capable of losing weight this week was really motivating for me.  I knew that it would be difficult on a daily basis to make good choices but I did it and I'm so happy!   So far I haven't started any specific exercise plan.  I've mainly been focused on eating right and once I get that established then I'll be including exercise.  Grocery shopping this week was so different than it has been recently.  I bought a lot of chicken, shrimp, fish, turkey, beans, veggies and fruit.  Before I'd buy more snacks than anything else and that's what I'd eat to get me through the day.    My daily meals have looked something like this:   Breakfast - Kashi high protein cereal, 1% milk and a handful of blueberries with coffee Snack - Banana and a 100 calorie pack of cocoa almonds Lunch - Low sodium ham sandwich on a Flat Out wrap Snack - Apple Dinner - meat and veggies with a small carb, usually 1/2 a sweet potato Snack - grapes or walnuts   I need to be drinking more water throughout the day.  I'm really never thirsty and don't drink much of anything but I know that drinking a ton of water will help me reduce hunger and lose weight so that's on my to-do list for this next week.     Now, I have a long way to go.  I'm probably not going to share my actually weight here (until I've lost a significant amount) but I do have some before pictures that were taken on 1/1/13.  It's funny because I'm embarrassed to post pictures of myself on my blog but everyone I come in contact with on a daily basis sees me so what's the big deal?    

2013 Goals

This is the first year I've really put a lot of thought into the goals I'd like to achieve.  Maybe it has something to do with my upcoming birthday and turning the big 3 0 this year or maybe it's maturity or maybe is that I've realized that my life is so much more than just about me.  Maybe it's because I want to glorify God in all that I do.  Maybe it's because I now realize that I'm here on this earth for so much more of a purpose than I can even imagine for myself.     This year I've put together a list of goals I'm going to work hard to accomplish in 2013.  Some are definitely more important than others but all have meaning and will help me feel like I'm on my way to becoming the best me I can be.    My Goals for 2013:   ~ Lose weight and start on the road to a healthier Me - I've discussed this here and here.  I've made it through the first week of eating healthy and really focusing on this aspect of my life and I'd consider it a success so far.  I'll post an update soon.   ~ Read 12 books - I really enjoy reading.  I tend to get lost in books and fall in love with the characters.  This is just a goal I've set for myself because I tend to let other things get in the way of my time with the Kindle!  I've already started the first book of the year and I have a couple others lined up.  Any suggestions?   ~ Pray more and deepen my relationship with Jesus - 2012 was the year I found Jesus and started my relationship with Him.  I've always believed in God but this whole relationship with Him and living my life to glorify Him is new.  I want to explore it more, learn to trust Him more, pray more and live and love like Him more.  2013 is the year to jump into my new found faith and see what He has in store for me.   ~ Participate in Secret Prayer Sisters - at my church our Sunday School group created secret prayer sisters.  You're given a name of another woman in our group and you pray for them, surprise them with little presents throughout the year and in turn they do the same for someone else.  It gives you a chance to give a receive prayer and thoughtful gifts.  Since I'm fairly new to the church I'm looking forward to this to help build relationships with some of the awesome woman that attend my church.   ~ Go on at least 5 dates with my husband - like I mentioned before my husband and I don't go on too many dates.  We hadn't been out together alone in quite some time and I know that to ensure a strong marriage and be the best parents to Olivia we need to make sure that our relationship remains a priority.  Now that I have a reliable babysitter we're on the right path to ensure at least 5 dates during 2013!   ~ Attend a worship concert - the music at church and listening to Christian music really helps me understand God and His goodness.  I love the fellowship that a worship concert seems to have and the idea of worshiping Jesus through song with other believers seems so special.   ~ Be baptized! - I've also talked about this before and my hesitation when it comes to this part of my faith journey but I'm proud to say that I've resolved this within myself and will be baptized soon!   ~ Begin paying down debt - because of irresponsible choices as a young adult my husband and I have a bit of debt we have acquired over the years.  Getting credit cards when you're young, single and don't have a family and other important responsibilities tends to make it difficult to keep up with all the payments when you have other more important bills.  We're currently on the right track and so far we've been blessed by God and have already been able to pay 17 accounts down to a ZERO BALANCE!  I can't even express the amount of joy I feel typing that sentence!  God truly knows the desires of my heart and has answered my prayers and made a path for us to achieve this goal.  The things we've paid include medical bills, credit card bills, money owed to my parents and taxes.  A huge weight has been lifted off our shoulders and starting out the year on the right financial foot feels awesome!    

My first steps

It's 1/2/2013 which means I'm officially on Day 2 of my fat to fit lifestyle change.

First let me start out by saying the support I received on Facebook, Instagram, via text from friends and family and on my blog here has been nothing short of amazing and super encouraging.  Sometimes when I'm at my lowest and feeling so bad about myself I tend to think that no one cares or understands what I'm dealing with or going through.  When writing my last blog post I was so nervous that I would be judged or ridiculed and neither happened.  I was lifted up in prayer by so many friends, I received such heartwarming comments and words of encouragement - even from strangers who happened to read my blog. 

So, THANK YOU, everyone for your support, encouragement, prayers and kind words.

I've made a few changes so far and I think they're going to help so I decided to share them with you.

~ I joined www.myfitnesspal.com and started tracking everything I eat.  They have an app for smart phones so I have it handy at all times and you can even track your exercise and weight loss.  The neat thing is when you're entering what you've eaten mostly everything is already in their system so you just scroll through the choices and choose the one that matches what you need.

~ I kicked my Dunkin Donuts habit to the curb.  Every morning for longer than I can even remember I stopped at DD on my way into work and got a large iced coffee with extra milk and equal and a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese. 

When I put those 2 things into www.myfitnesspal.com it calculated 686 calories! 

Breakfast	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Protein
Dunkin Donuts - Large Iced Coffee With Whole Milk and Equal, 32 oz.	166	14	8	9
Dunkin Donuts - Cinnamon Raisin Bagel With Cream Cheese, 1 bagel	520	75	19	16
	686	89	27	25

686 calories for JUST breakfast, and the worst part is that it didn’t even satisfy me for long since it was all carbs.  Needless to say, no more Dunkin Donuts stops in the morning.  This morning I made coffee at home and had cheerios and a banana - my breakfast calorie count today is 330 calories.  Plus saved $5.00! 

~ I created a "Healthy for 2013" board on Pinterest and I've been finding and pinning easy and healthy recipes to make at home.   My plan is to find a recipe every day before leaving work that I'm going to make for dinner and if needed I'll stop at the grocery store on my way home.

~  I organized our cabinets at home and threw out all the junk. 

~ I took before pictures, weighed myself and took my measurements.  I know that I'll hit plateaus along this journey so keeping track of inches will help.  I did post my before pictures on Instagram - follow me - username Camarogirl819

Again, thank you for the encouragement.  I won’t be posting updates every day but this is my new life so I need to embrace it and may need to talk about it once in a while.  If you have any questions, suggestions or advice please feel free to ask or share.  I'll be happy to answer (almost) anything!

This scripture has really been on my heart lately and I pray that I exemplify it during my journey.  I'm scared that I'll fail but I can't live like that.  Every day is a fresh start and I'm going to take this one step at a time, one second, one minute, one hour at a time.  I can and will do this.

 

2013 = the year of no excuses

Like so many others making New Year’s resolutions, I'm jumping on the January 1st bandwagon to lose weight.  Let's back up a little bit so I can share more about me, my struggle with weight and where I've been before. 

I've struggled with my weight my entire life.  The only time I remember and actually have proof that I was a healthy weight was probably when I was around 4 or 5 years old.  I'm not even really sure what caused me to spiral out of control but I did and here I am.  I could make up a list of excuses and place the blame on a million different people or issues but I won’t because like it says above, this is going to be the year of no excuses.  In 2007 I had RNY Gastric Bypass surgery and lost over 200 lbs in a year and a half.  In December of 2009 I became pregnant and by the end of my pregnancy I had gained way too much weight.  I thought that I would lose it all and then some easily once I gave birth, but here I sit, 2+ years after having Olivia and I weigh more than I did when I was pregnant.  Unacceptable.

At this point it's not even about wanting to lose weight.  I have to.  There's no way that I can continue on the path I'm on and live my life to the fullest.  I feel like a horrible mother and wife because I know that I'm not the best example I can be for Olivia.  I'm so fearful of what the future holds if I don’t get up and do something about this now.  I'm afraid of tons of things.

...Olivia, embarrassed of me

...not being able to participate in activities with her because of my weight

...Olivia following in my footsteps

...dying

The list goes on and on.... it's overwhelming.

I'm definitely my own worst enemy.  My thought process when I think about dieting or changing my lifestyle is always a downward spiral of negativity.

I've failed before

Why bother

I'm so far behind

I have too much to lose

I'll never be skinny

I can't do this

Those are the things that always make me lose focus.  Those are the words I need to stop saying to myself. 

I'm super scared to be putting myself out here like this, publicly.  I'm scared that I'm going to fail and humiliate myself, I'm afraid that there won’t be any follow up posts about this because just like before I'll abandon the idea and go back to stuffing my face mindlessly and let myself slip further and further down this slippery slope of hopelessness. 

But, if I don’t start now then I don’t think I ever will.  ...and a month from now, I'll be glad I started now, a year from now I'll be even happier that I started a year ago.

I'm going to take "before" pictures tonight.  I may post them but I'm not sure.  It's embarrassing and I'm already feeling a bit nervous over hitting the publish button for this post. 

I doubt I'll share my weight on the internet but I will share how much I've lost in updates.  

I've been putting a lot of thought into what triggers me to snack or make poor choices and it's mostly boredom, habit and poor planning.  I plan on making the next day’s lunch during nap time in order to prepare ahead, if I feel like having a snack I need to be less impulsive and drink a bottle of water before eating anything and if I'm bored then I need to get moving. 

I need to remember that it won’t happen overnight, 

it's a journey and it's going to take a long time to reach the end. 

I feel like I have a little more support on my side this time around.  I have God.  I'm praying furiously for strength, determination, will power, motivation, positive thinking and anything else that I can think of. 

So there you have it.  My New Year's resolution.  The year of no excuses.  I'm both dreading it and looking forward to it all at the same time.  I scared out of my mind.

If you have any encouraging words or advice you'd like to offer, please do. 

If you've shared your own experience with losing weight then link me to your blog. 

I need all the support, prayers and encouragement I can get. 

Today is the last day of this me.  Tomorrow, the new Laura debuts.

Struggling

As this past new year approached I had some things in mind for myself to change.  One being my eating habits.  It is more of a need than anything.  I've been headed towards a place with my weight that I'd rather not venture to again.   A little background for you (we're about to get very real here....)  In 2007 I had Gastric Bypass surgery to help me lose weight.  I was at a place in my life that it was medically necessary.  I was over 400 lbs and had tried every single diet and failed miserably.  I'd lose and gain, lose and gain.  Nothing was working, so my doctor recommended it, I had a trillion medical tests done to make sure I was physically and mentally ready for the surgery and in October of 2007 it was done.  I spent the next 2 years of my life losing a ridiculous amount of weight, in excess of 200 lbs and I finally felt GOOD!   Fast forward to December of 2009, I got pregnant.  During my pregnancy I gained an astronomical amount of weight and was sure it was just because of the pregnancy and I'd easily lose it after Olivia was born.   I was WRONG.  Today, 15 months after Olivia was born, I weigh more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant.  I feel awful.  I feel like a failure.  I feel disgusting.  I feel like a bad mother. So, with the start of 2012, I promised myself and my family that I'd do something about my weight issue, again.   I officially started watching every.single.thing I put in my mouth a week ago and it's working.   I've lost 5.4 lbs in 7 days.   Now, the beginning is easy.  I get it.  It's when you plateau that you need to dig in your heels, grit your teeth and keep pushing forward.  I've been there. Today though, when I weight myself I felt a mix of emotions.  I am grateful for the 5.4 lbs lost, but looking forward, I want to lose at least 100 lbs.  That's a LONG way to go.  I felt overwhelmed and defeated. I started doubting myself.  Can I really do this?  Why bother when it's such a huge mountain to climb?   Those thoughts of doubt could certainly derail my efforts in a second.   So, this is why I'm posting here.  I need to be accountable.  I need to document this and be able to look back and reflect on these very real feelings in order to move forward and continue with this journey.  For myself, for my daughter and my family.  I need to do this if I want to be around to watch my child grow.   I hope that you wont judge me for where I've been, where I am or where I'm headed.  This is sure to be an interesting journey as I try to lose the weight I've lost before.   I really hope and pray that I can stick with it for life this time.  One of my biggest fears is that Olivia will have to endure the same weight problems I have.  I'll do anything in my power to prevent that and I think it starts now.