My 6 Week Break

I wonder when I'll realize that I never know best, He does.  

I've written about my faith journey, finding my church, being saved and baptized (here and here) before and recently I thought that I needed a break.  A break from church, from the routine, from the Sunday morning Sunday school and service.  From fellowship.  From God.  

My week is busy, my husband and I each work full time and work opposite shifts, have family obligations, dance class for Olivia, grocery shopping, errands, friends etc.  so when I felt overwhelmed about 6 weeks ago I felt like I needed a break from something and I decided to skip church. 

 As I sat back relaxing that warm Sunday morning I watched the clock.  9:59 I remember thinking that we'd usually be settling into Sunday school - the Shipmates room, talking, drinking coffee, having a snack and getting ready for our lesson.  As the time ticked by I distracted myself with different things.  Glancing at the clock again it was 11:15, just about the time the worship music would be ending and we'd start the service in prayer.  A little pang in my heart told me that I knew I was missing something I loved so much.  The joyful noise that fills the room when the band starts playing and the choir starts singing gives me goosebumps every week and where was I?  At home missing it.  The day went on and I tried to not think about how this Sunday was the first in over a year that I'd missed church.  As the day ended I'd convinced myself that it was no big deal.  

The week went on and then Sunday came again.  I didn't go to church that Sunday either.  Against my better judgement I decided I still needed a break.  For the next 4 weeks I did the same thing.  Mother's Day was mixed in there, my mothers birthday, Olivia had a cold - all reasons I told myself that missing church had to happen.  That it was ok.  

Within these past 6 weeks something's changed though.  I've been irritable, easily frustrated, not praying as much, arguing with my husband over little things.  Doing all the things I do less of when I actually go to church, when I'm in the word, when I get refreshed by his grace each Sunday morning.

So many women from church reached out to me over these past 6 weeks and I love them for it.  Messages saying 'I miss you and the family, are you ok?, Can we pray for you? Do you need to talk? I'm thinking of you and praying for you!'  Each one made me smile and feel a little bit of regret and shame at the same time.  

This past week I knew that we needed to go back.  Being away for 6 weeks had done enough damage.  I'd missed enough lessons, bible studies and time in His presence.  I woke early on Sunday morning determined to go and Satan surely put every obstacle in my way.  My daughter being a bit fussy, spilled drinks, feeling tired and even a flat tire on my way there.  But, we made it. I felt such a peace as I pulled into the parking lot and fell right back into my Sunday morning routine.  The routine I thought I needed a break from felt so familiar and comfortable.  

All of my friends welcomed us back with open arms and hearts.  

It's funny that I took a break because I felt overwhelmed and too busy, little did I know He's my reprieve and my rest.

~Laura

30 for 30 Challenge

This is the year people, the year I leave my 20's and turn the big 3-0! When did this happen? Have I really spent 30 years on this earth? This is kind of a big deal. Turning the page into a whole new century of living. You're a real adult when you're 30 right?

Well, now that the initial shock has worn off there's something that I want to accomplish this year in honor of my 30th birthday. I've talked about giving before. How I've been feeling that God is pushing me to give, to share, to help people in any way I can.

So, in honor of turning 30 I'm starting the 30 for 30 Challenge.

I'm challenging myself to do 30 Random Acts of Kindess throughout this year. I'm not going to plan out what I'll do, I really want this to be an experience of me trusting God and seeing Him work through me for His glory. I want to pray about reaching people, I want Him to show me which people to touch and help. I want to make sure that I glorify Him during this challenge and always give him the credit. I want to use this to help my relationship with Him grow and deepens as I rely on Him to help me.

My prayer every day will be for Him to bring me into contact with the right people, to help me show the world His light, to help me know the best way to bless people, to give me the right words to share. I want this to be a blessing to others but also to me as I use this to learn more of His ways.

So, please, help me pray about this challenge. Pray for me. Pray that He can use me for good and help people who need to see His light in such a dark world.

If you would like to participate and do your own random acts of kindness please link back to me and share about what you've done in a post on your blog.  Let's spread some love!

When faith escapes you.

Faith is a funny thing, well, for me it is. It's been almost a year that my family has been consistently going to church, surrounded by like-minded faithful people (for the most part) and reading the word.

Depending on the circumstances, a year can seem so long or like it flew by. In this case it's the latter. I've made some amazing friends over the past year and so many people have embraced us and prayed for us and loved us when we were struggling and I'm so so thankful that God placed those people in the exact right spot at the exact right time for me.

Over the last few weeks something is off. I feel disconnected? I think that's the right word. I've been slacking on reading my bible, slacking on praying and even slacking on attending church (mostly for weather related reasons but still).

For me, church and Sunday school are necessary to revive me for the upcoming week and the everyday stresses that come along with life. I need to be there on Sunday morning and Sunday evening listening to our pastor preach the bible . I need to hear the message that God has placed on our pastors heart and I need to hear the message intended for me that day.

So, that being said, what's keeping me away? What's causing me to feel disconnected?

I'm not 100% sure but I think it has to do with feeling frustrated with myself and my lack of self worth. What I'm forgetting though, is that I am worth it to God. I'm lovable and worthy of His love, even when I don't love myself. That's such a hard concept for me to understand. To grasp. I wonder how He can love me when I mess up, time after time? How can He possibly forgive me for all of my many shortcomings? Why am I so important to Him but not important to myself?

Questions like this forever plague my mind. I'm a thinker. What I've been doing lately is thinking these thoughts but leaving out something huge, PRAYING about these thoughts. I need to pray to clarity and peace of mind. Pray for help with my self esteem and self worth. Pray to have just 1/100th of His love for myself. Pray for understanding about this path He has set me on. Pray that I'm following what He wants me to do and pray that I'm making a difference in the world.

I'll be praying today.

On Giving

Lately I've been feeling the nudge from God to give. Give more time, money, love, possessions, etc. It's not that I wasn't a giver before, but before there were wrong intentions behind my giving.

It all started back in November. Right before Thanksgiving. That time of year, that season in general, always pulls on my heartstrings. I think of people who are less fortunate, who can't provide for their families, who struggle and it saddens me. As our family is easily planning our large Thanksgiving dinner I realize that there are families out there in my very own community who aren't and can't do the same thing.  Then I had an idea and THIS HAPPENED.

Since then its been little things that I've wanted to give. My husband and I bought new furniture for our daughters big girl bedroom and had to get rid of some odds and end pieces that we were using in her room before. We had planned on selling them. Listed them on Craigslist and received some replies, set up a meeting time and place and then once again felt the nudge to give. We felt we were being pushed to not take money for these items just give them away. So we met up with the people who planned on purchasing the furniture from us and we did just that, gave them away.  We gave of ourselves because we felt pushed to do so by God.

It's also been little things here and there, paying for the order in the drive thru behind me, doing a chore for my husband and vice versa, watching his favorite show on tv instead of mine (sometimes!).

Most recently my heart was so touched by this encounter. Driving home from work on a cold day I see a young mother with two children - a toddler and a baby, no more than 6 months old. She's walking down a busy main street holding her daughters hand and carrying her baby. She bends down to pick up and carry her toddler who is obviously tired from walking uphill. Immediately I feel the need to give her my stroller.

I'm stuck at the red light and I'm having this conversation with myself all in the matter of minutes...

"I'm crazy! Give her my stroller?"

"We barely use it."

"But what if we need it?"

"Olivia always wants to walk so it should be fine, right?"

"It's expensive!" 

"What should I do?"

"She'll think I'm crazy pulling the car over!"

But in those few minutes I knew that God was telling me to do it. To give.

So, the light changed. I drive down the street she's on, pull over, get out and offer her my stroller. She was so appreciative, thankful and humble. In the end she doesn't need it, she has one but can't take it on the city bus. She thanks me and I head home.

I guess the point of this, of me writing it all out, was to try to make some sense of WHY I'm bring pushed and nudged to give. I've been praying about it, to show me why, to help me understand the purpose, for Him to put the right people in my path, to make sure I always give the glory to God.

I guess there are certain things we just won't understand and maybe this is one of them. But, in the meantime, whether I understand His ways or not, I'm going to keep listening.

Profession - Part 2

Check here for my post yesterday about the journey that got us to this awesome day.  Our baptism day!

My emotions were running high all morning.  I was nervous, excited, anxious, grateful, humbled...but most importantly, I felt blessed.  Blessed to be here, in this spot, receiving this beautiful gift with my husband.  Being baptized together as a couple in front of our church family.

The morning flew by, getting everyone up, dressed and out the door for church didn’t leave much time to dwell on what was coming.  We went to breakfast as a family and prayed together for our approaching baptism.  As we sat in Sunday school my mind kept drifting off thinking about what was coming.  How it would go, how everything would play out.  All the details. 

After the 15 minute "almost time for service to start" bell rang it was all I could think about.  The amazing women in our Sunday school class all shared encouraging words as I grabbed my bag to leave which completely put me at ease.  Joe and I went to the baptistry and into our respective rooms to get ready.  This is when my emotions really took over!  Being away from Joe I was wondering what he was feeling and just wished I'd kissed him before we separated to get ready.  I put in my robe and waited while listening to the choir praise Jesus with their beautiful songs.  Joyce was in the baptistry with me helping me through the steps to ensure everything was seamless.  She talked with me the entire time to help keep my nerves at bay. 

When it was time for us, we walked out and I had a moment of tears.  Tears were shed for so many different reasons.  For the people who weren’t there, who didn’t come to support us.  Tears for our amazing friends who did come, tears for the people who helped us on our journey, tears for the amazing sacrifice Jesus made for me, tears for the future, for being blessed and able to raise Olivia to know Jesus.  Joyce and Jacquie saw me emotional and immediately prayed with me.  Their beautiful words lifted me up to the Lord and as quickly as the tears started, they stopped.  A peace came over me and I was calm. 

Our pastor spoke and I watched my love, my husband get baptized and then it was my turn. I walked into the baptistry water (of course I almost slipped going down the wet stairs)and pastor Glen shared a bit of our testimony to our church family.  While he was speaking I was surrounded by so many people who have helped me along in this journey.  In front of my stood Jacquie, Joyce and Amanda, behind me Pastor Glen and my husband, across the balcony was Renata and on the main floor Sarah and Ken.  All of which have encouraged, loved and prayed for us!  God certainly put these people in our lives for a reason.   

Then, as my husband stood to my pastors right hand side, I was baptized!

I am so happy, humbled and proud of my husband and myself for making this decision for our family, for Olivia and for our future.

After church service we were approached by so many people with hugs and congratulations!

The day was perfect and the love of Jesus was most certainly present and pulsing inside the walls of our church!

Profession

It's difficult for me to even put into words the experience I shared with my husband this past Sunday, January 20, 2013.  Together we outwardly shared an already inward change with our church family.  Together we took one important step in being obedient to the Lord and doing the right thing for our family.  Together.  That was the best part.  We did this together. 

Not even a full year ago my husband and I visited this church on a whim.  Church shopping was what we called it.  Little did I know what the Lord was going to do to our hearts.  Through this church we have met some of the most amazing Godly people who have embraced us and have truly had a hand in changing our family. 

That very first day as we sat through the service, moved to tears by the music, we filled out a visitors card, left the church and decided we'd be back to try it again.  We loved the music and the message but at that point we didn’t know what our future held, the plans God had already laid for us.  We had no idea how our lives were about to be changed.  From the visitor card I received a phone call asking me how we liked the service, if we'd be back?  At that time, I wasn’t ready to commit to anything.  I constantly procrastinated and made up excuses why I couldn’t talk or wasn’t interested or ready.  Jacquie didn’t give up.  She kept calling and kept trying to get through to me.  As the phone rang one day while I was in the car I saw it was the church number again and I was ready, so ready to tell her to please "just leave me alone". 

I answered and in an instant my heart changed.  We talked for 2 hours about life, family, faith, my past, my husband, my daughter, everything.  I made a commitment to meet with her the following Wednesday so she could answer my questions and questions I certainly had.  I made a list, a long list and that Wednesday she answered every single one.  That Wednesday I was saved.  I accepted Jesus into my heart, I confessed that I was a sinner and could only be saved by accepting that Jesus died on the cross for me and my sins. 

That Wednesday, July 11, 2012 was the start of this beautiful transformation in our lives.   

We began a discipleship program to learn about Christianity and so I could be re-taught things that I'd learned incorrectly before.  Then, in September, my husband was saved.  He started discipleship with one of the pastors and we began this journey together.  We learned and grew as husband and wife, as parents, as Christians.  We made changes to our lives to remove the sinful and learned how to live a more Christ-like life.  We made mistakes and still leaned toward sin but we prayed to do better and confessed our sins to Jesus.  We made conscious decisions to try harder to be better for Him, our family and ourselves. 

This Sunday was the culmination of all those changes, prayers and discipleship lessons.  This Sunday we finally made the outward profession of our inward change.  We were baptized! 

I have so many details I want to share about our experience.  Check back tomorrow for the rest!

Fears

Since the tragedy in Newtown, CT my mind has been overcome with thinking of the 26 lives lost that day.  As a mother, I can’t even wrap my head around how the parents felt when they received that emergency phone call, how they felt when they were waiting and waiting to be reunited with their children, how they felt when their child never came and how they felt when they were told their children didn’t survive. 

That's every parent’s worst nightmare. 

I can’t even let myself think about it for very long because it's consuming me... but yet my mind keeps wandering there.  Thinking of those children, teachers and staff, their families and loved ones, Christmas without them, the presents they probably already had waiting for them under the tree.

I'm not even directly connected to anyone affected by the CT shooting but it's deeply affected me as a mother.  I feel like this tragedy has given me anxiety and I'm pretty sure I had a panic attack while I was at work yesterday.  I'm afraid of being away from my husband and Olivia for any amount of time.  I'm afraid that something will happen to one of us and we won’t all be together.  I'm afraid I won’t be able to protect my daughter.  I'm scared to go to the store because of a possible crazed gunman planning his attack.  ...but yet at the same time I know logically that I can’t live my life in fear like this.  I can’t control everything, God is in control, I know that, but it's not making this any easier. 

This world is a scary, scary place. 

It's even made me reevaluate things that I do naturally.  When you have a child I think you typically draw attention to yourself.  People tend to strike up conversation and start to talk to Olivia all the time.  I always encourage her to say hi, tell them your name etc.  Is that wrong?  Do I need to be fearful of people in general?  Should I just nod smile and keep moving?  It's this awkward place of wanting to be friendly and kind but yet not wanting to put myself or my child in danger. 

I hate having to even think about things like this.

I'm so thankful that Olivia doesn’t go to daycare or school yet.  I can’t even imagine how parents dropped their children off the following Monday morning after the shooting.  They must have been terrified. 

Olivia is home all day with her father while I'm at work and home with me when my husband goes to work.  I know she's safe being with a parent at all times but it still makes me panic when I call my husband during the day and he doesn’t answer, he's probably cooking or playing with Olivia but I can’t help my mind from going there.  From thinking the worst and immediately my anxiety is elevating and my emotions are on edge.  Yesterday I drove home and talked to my husband a good portion of my drive.  I knew that he and Olivia were ok but when I walked through the door and saw their faces I broke down in tears.  I felt relief that I was home, safe with my family. 

I've never experienced anything like this before and I'm praying that it passes and God will give me the peace my soul needs. 

I saw this video on the Today's Show and I loved the message.

http://todaynews.today.com/_news/2012/12/18/15975855-26acts-of-kindness-you-can-do-right-now?lite

How do you combat evil?  With good.  Do a random act of kindness for a stranger.  This always helps me feel better so I'm hoping that it will this time too.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

 

A Thanksgiving Blessing - x 2

The holiday season always makes me mushy and weepy for many reasons but one of which tugs at my heartstrings like no other.  People.  Just a general love and worry and care for people.  Less fortunate people who have to worry where their next meal is coming from, how they'll support their family, how they’ll provide basic necessities that many, including myself, take for granted.  As I was writing out my shopping list for Thanksgiving dinner yesterday my mind drifted to those people.  People I don’t even know.  People who could be making the same list yet simultaneously crossing things off that they can’t afford.  At this point I prayed for God to give me an idea, something to do for the greater good, to glorify Him.  I picked up my phone and texted my husband saying that I wanted to buy a turkey for someone in need.  We discussed my thoughts and he was excited about the idea too!  He posted the following ad on our local Craigslist's free section...

 

...and within minutes we received two responses.  We only planned on buying one turkey but we just couldn’t ignore that second email.  The first email came from a woman whose husband had passed away earlier this year and her daughter also hit hard times so she was living with her daughter and two grandsons and was barely making ends meet.  The second email was from a disabled father who supports a family of 4 on his disability income and couldn’t afford a turkey. 

We contacted both people, got their addresses and headed to the grocery store. 

What started out as buying one turkey, turned into two turkeys, 10 lbs of potatoes, 4 boxes of stuffing, 4 jars of gravy, 4 cans of cranberry sauce, 2 pans to cook the turkey in, 2 cans of corn, 2 cans of peas, 2 cans of green beans and 2 apple pies!  My husband and I also felt moved to include tracks (or pamphlets from our church to share the Gospel) in the bags. 

We were able to provide two full Thanksgiving meals for families in need and share God's word.  What an awesome feeling it was go deliver these meals and meet these amazing people.  Both families were extremely thankful and surprised that what started out as a turkey ended in much more.  They both said "God bless you and your family" to us and we left each home feeling encouraged that they'd read the tracks we included.  We prayed for both families last night and plan to reach out to them by email on Thanksgiving to wish them a happy holiday. 

"Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God." 
- Hebrews 13:16

We've decided that this is going to be a family tradition.  We want to teach Olivia to have a kind heart to all people.  To help people in need and to do it for the right reasons, to honor God.   

"Whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God" - Corinthians 10:31

 We hope that this will inspire more people to reach out in your local community to help someone in need.

 

Fears - Let Go and Let God

(this post is prompted by 2 blogs I read, both of their daughters were just diagnosed with brain tumors.  Please lift the Wecks family and the Skelte family up in prayer.)   Before I had Olivia I used to worry about things, but I never knew the true meaning of what it felt like to really worry.    After you have a child, there's a part of your heart walking this earth outside of your body.  Exposed to things that you can't control with the possibility of coming into contact with sickness, hurt, danger, bad people...the list goes on and on.  Right after Olivia was born the fear and anxiety I had was so bad that I spoke to my ob/gyn about it and was diagnosed with post partum anxiety.  I knew that it was a mix of my hormones, having a new baby and no longer being able to protect her safely in my womb.  I also knew that the severity of my PPA would pass but it would never fully go away.    It wouldn't go away because there will always be new situations and experiences I'll have to face as a parent that will makes me a little uncomfortable... first day of daycare or school, leaving her with a new babysitter, letting someone else take her in their car, going to a friend's house... etc.     I spoke to my mentor at church about this and she challenged me to trust in God and believe in His plan for us and our family.  Regardless if I want or even feel like I'm in control, the control is ultimately the Lord's.  For me, this was a hard concept to grasp.  Being a newly saved Christian, I lived the last 29 years of my life my way, by my rules and yes I believed in God but I never knew or had this deep of an understanding of what and how I was supposed to trust and rely on Him.  I've been challenging myself to really trust God in this area lately.  Taking steps to let go a little more and trust that His plan for us is perfect.  I know that life won't always be easy and there will be bad or unfortunate things that happen but in the grand scheme of things, it's part of His plan.  His plan for us is good, His heart is kind and He doesn't want to hurt me.    I will worry every second of every day for the rest of my life about all things involving my daughter.   My greatest love is walking around outside of me, a piece of my heart is on its own.   You see so many horrible things happening around you, how can you not worry.   It's just such a difficult balance to step away from my worldly fears and trust in Him, but I'm learning.    What these families are going through is unimaginable to me.  The fear, pain and heartache that I feel just from reading their stories scares me to death.  What would I do if that was my daughter?  Would I be able to handle it with grace and truly trust Jesus to help me through?  Could I really step back and trust in God's great plan?  I'm not really sure and I know it would be so, so difficult, but what I do know is that I absolutely would not be able to do it without Him.   ...please pray for these families in this difficult time...  

I'm not lucky.

....I'm blessed.    I get such a funny feeling when people call me lucky.  I mean, I never felt this way before but now that I know Jesus, I do.   Today in particular His blessings have been abundant.  Two weeks ago, my husband was in a minor car accident, however, it wasnt his fault.  The insurance appraisal just went through and we received a check in the mail to fix the damage.  I called the body shop and explained that we may not fix the physical damage to the door of the car because we have other mechanical problems with the car that are more imporatnt for our family's safety and we cant afford to fix both.  The owner of the shop asked me what specific items needed to be fixed so I explained, tie rods, sway bar links and O2 sensor.  Our previous estimate was around $400.  Without skipping a beat, he said, "ok, no problem, we'll fix it all and incorpirate it into the appraisal price"   BLESSED!   My daughters 2nd birthday is coming up and to coordinate with her Minnie Mouse party theme, we've been looking for an outfit with Minnie on it for her to wear.  We found a few but they were out of our price range.  Today, my husband went to the mall to look quickly and just hanging all alone on the end of a rack was the most adorable Minnie outfit in my daughters size and on clearance for 1/2 price!    BLESSED!   Sometimes the blessings are big and sometimes small - honestly, today I've experienced one of each and both were equally as exciting and helpful to us.    Anytime I'm blessed by God, praises of thanks go up to Him and I look for a way to bless someone around me.  Now, I need to find a way to pay it forward.   

My Continual Journey

Lately I've been feeling like I'm on a million different journeys all at the same time. 

Whether it's my marriage, parenting, my relationship with God, work or just discovering me.  I'm on journeys, and let me tell you, these journeys are hard. 

I could choose to ignore them but obviously that's not going to work.

Most recently one that I've really been focusing on is my relationship with God.  This journey seems to be the one that's taking the most amount of effort since it's personal, takes a lot of thought, research, time and hearing what other people have to say.

Religion isn't really what I'm questioning but rather, my relationship with God.  I feel like there's a missing piece to my life right now and I think having a better relationship with God would fill that spot.

I read lots of blogs where women talk about how involved they are with their church community and I want that.  But, I haven't found it. 

My family belongs to a church, we go sometimes, but more often than not it is out of obligation, not because we really want to be there.  That's the issue.  I want to find my place in this religious journey that makes me want to participate. 

I want to have a meaningful relationship with God that allows me to have faith that things will turn out alright, or always feel like I have a spiritual place to go to when I need some comfort.  I don't want to wait until, God forbid, there's a negative event that makes me start to pray.  I want to pray because it's what I feel, not just because I need something.

My issue at the moment is where to start.  I'm 28 years old, have a semi religious background meaning I know facts that the Bible says, but how, at 28, do you develop a relationship with God?  If you have any advice, please share.  I'll take all the help I can get!