Struggling

As this past new year approached I had some things in mind for myself to change.  One being my eating habits.  It is more of a need than anything.  I've been headed towards a place with my weight that I'd rather not venture to again.   A little background for you (we're about to get very real here....)  In 2007 I had Gastric Bypass surgery to help me lose weight.  I was at a place in my life that it was medically necessary.  I was over 400 lbs and had tried every single diet and failed miserably.  I'd lose and gain, lose and gain.  Nothing was working, so my doctor recommended it, I had a trillion medical tests done to make sure I was physically and mentally ready for the surgery and in October of 2007 it was done.  I spent the next 2 years of my life losing a ridiculous amount of weight, in excess of 200 lbs and I finally felt GOOD!   Fast forward to December of 2009, I got pregnant.  During my pregnancy I gained an astronomical amount of weight and was sure it was just because of the pregnancy and I'd easily lose it after Olivia was born.   I was WRONG.  Today, 15 months after Olivia was born, I weigh more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant.  I feel awful.  I feel like a failure.  I feel disgusting.  I feel like a bad mother. So, with the start of 2012, I promised myself and my family that I'd do something about my weight issue, again.   I officially started watching every.single.thing I put in my mouth a week ago and it's working.   I've lost 5.4 lbs in 7 days.   Now, the beginning is easy.  I get it.  It's when you plateau that you need to dig in your heels, grit your teeth and keep pushing forward.  I've been there. Today though, when I weight myself I felt a mix of emotions.  I am grateful for the 5.4 lbs lost, but looking forward, I want to lose at least 100 lbs.  That's a LONG way to go.  I felt overwhelmed and defeated. I started doubting myself.  Can I really do this?  Why bother when it's such a huge mountain to climb?   Those thoughts of doubt could certainly derail my efforts in a second.   So, this is why I'm posting here.  I need to be accountable.  I need to document this and be able to look back and reflect on these very real feelings in order to move forward and continue with this journey.  For myself, for my daughter and my family.  I need to do this if I want to be around to watch my child grow.   I hope that you wont judge me for where I've been, where I am or where I'm headed.  This is sure to be an interesting journey as I try to lose the weight I've lost before.   I really hope and pray that I can stick with it for life this time.  One of my biggest fears is that Olivia will have to endure the same weight problems I have.  I'll do anything in my power to prevent that and I think it starts now.    

My Continual Journey

Lately I've been feeling like I'm on a million different journeys all at the same time. 

Whether it's my marriage, parenting, my relationship with God, work or just discovering me.  I'm on journeys, and let me tell you, these journeys are hard. 

I could choose to ignore them but obviously that's not going to work.

Most recently one that I've really been focusing on is my relationship with God.  This journey seems to be the one that's taking the most amount of effort since it's personal, takes a lot of thought, research, time and hearing what other people have to say.

Religion isn't really what I'm questioning but rather, my relationship with God.  I feel like there's a missing piece to my life right now and I think having a better relationship with God would fill that spot.

I read lots of blogs where women talk about how involved they are with their church community and I want that.  But, I haven't found it. 

My family belongs to a church, we go sometimes, but more often than not it is out of obligation, not because we really want to be there.  That's the issue.  I want to find my place in this religious journey that makes me want to participate. 

I want to have a meaningful relationship with God that allows me to have faith that things will turn out alright, or always feel like I have a spiritual place to go to when I need some comfort.  I don't want to wait until, God forbid, there's a negative event that makes me start to pray.  I want to pray because it's what I feel, not just because I need something.

My issue at the moment is where to start.  I'm 28 years old, have a semi religious background meaning I know facts that the Bible says, but how, at 28, do you develop a relationship with God?  If you have any advice, please share.  I'll take all the help I can get!