Faith is a funny thing, well, for me it is. It's been almost a year that my family has been consistently going to church, surrounded by like-minded faithful people (for the most part) and reading the word.
Depending on the circumstances, a year can seem so long or like it flew by. In this case it's the latter. I've made some amazing friends over the past year and so many people have embraced us and prayed for us and loved us when we were struggling and I'm so so thankful that God placed those people in the exact right spot at the exact right time for me.
Over the last few weeks something is off. I feel disconnected? I think that's the right word. I've been slacking on reading my bible, slacking on praying and even slacking on attending church (mostly for weather related reasons but still).
For me, church and Sunday school are necessary to revive me for the upcoming week and the everyday stresses that come along with life. I need to be there on Sunday morning and Sunday evening listening to our pastor preach the bible . I need to hear the message that God has placed on our pastors heart and I need to hear the message intended for me that day.
So, that being said, what's keeping me away? What's causing me to feel disconnected?
I'm not 100% sure but I think it has to do with feeling frustrated with myself and my lack of self worth. What I'm forgetting though, is that I am worth it to God. I'm lovable and worthy of His love, even when I don't love myself. That's such a hard concept for me to understand. To grasp. I wonder how He can love me when I mess up, time after time? How can He possibly forgive me for all of my many shortcomings? Why am I so important to Him but not important to myself?
Questions like this forever plague my mind. I'm a thinker. What I've been doing lately is thinking these thoughts but leaving out something huge, PRAYING about these thoughts. I need to pray to clarity and peace of mind. Pray for help with my self esteem and self worth. Pray to have just 1/100th of His love for myself. Pray for understanding about this path He has set me on. Pray that I'm following what He wants me to do and pray that I'm making a difference in the world.
I'll be praying today.