Friday, February 15, 2013

Why does it matter?

People's words, actions, lack there of etc - why do they matter to me? Within the past week I've been in situations where I wanted to just crawl in a hole and wait til dark to come back out.

At Target the other day, I'm with my daughter and being Valentines week the store was kind of busy. Minding my own business we're walking along and I hear 2 teenagers talking. Now, I couldn't make out exactly what was being said but the comments, what I could put together from them, were geared towards me and my weight. There's a chance that maybe, just maybe, please God let it be, that I was mistaken, but I'm almost 90% positive that their conversation was about me and it was mean.

I don't know these people, they shouldn't matter to me, their words or opinion of me shouldn't rate anywhere on my radar, it shouldn't have an effect on me or my self esteem but it did, it does.
And I'm still thinking about it.

Yesterday I ran into someone I used to know. We caught eyes for a second and I thought I knew who it was but I wasn't 100% sure. Then there was laughter, legit in my face laughter. It was a mocking laugh that stuck with me all afternoon. I've never done or said anything to this person before that would warrant this type of response to seeing me. The only thing I can think of is maybe they read my blog? Maybe they were mocking me because they know my struggles and thought it was something to laugh about?

Maybe they're just rude.

Again, I don't have any investment in this person nor should it matter to me one bit what they say or think of me. But, you know what? It still hurts deeply. It's been on my mind all afternoon. So much so that I reached out to them on Facebook, I can see they read my message and yet there's no reply. Which sort of indicates to me that I'm right. That they were laughing at me.

I know I'm overweight. It's pretty obvious since I see myself every day in the mirror. This week in general has been difficult with some self sabotage and then these 2 encounters. I could sit here and validate these 2 things and make my self esteem even that much lower, but right now, I'm going to try talk myself out of it.

They don't know me. They have no idea who I am, as a person, a mother, a wife, a Jesus follower, a friend, daughter. They don't know that I'm kind and funny and friendly and sensitive (so sensitive) and shy. They don't know that I'm probably one of the most approachable people in the world and I'd do my best to try to help anyone if I can. They don't know that I wake up at 3:30 in the morning to go to the gym because I'm trying to lose weight. They don't know the core of me, the woman I really am.

And with that mindset, that #1 its ok to make fun of people #2 people who are different aren't worthy, with that mindset, they'll never get to know me and they're the ones missing out.

So, I had a good cry. I talked to one of my best friends who really helped put things in perspective and while the hurt is still there, I'm ok.



Jess @ Wrangling Chaos said...

People are stupid.

They really are. It's not exactly the same, obviously, but I've had similar sorts of encounters with people about Liv. As though because she's special needs, she's somehow less. Or incapable. Or can't hear their words about her goofy, rolling eye or the way she flaps her hands.

Some people just suck.

It doesn't make it hurt any less, though, and I get that. Why does life have to be so painful?

Anyway. So sorry you had to deal with that. Just know that we (the collective internet 'we') think you're pretty awesome. And since bloggers are the best people in the entire world, our opinions are way more important. :)

Romantic Savy said...

Some people are just heartless. I can't believe that they were/are that immature to be that way. I think you're beautiful and you know that you're doing what you can to change your habits. All that should matter is your opinion of yourself--not someone else's. But I know that it gets hard not to let others thoughts bother us.

I don't look at you and see an overweight person. I see a beautiful young mama and wife. :)

Anna said...

Oh Laura,
I'm so so sorry. I'm in tears reading this and so angry that people have treated you this way. You are such a beautiful treasure, both inside and out. I have been touched by your kindness, generousity and sensitive spirit so many times and find you to be an absolute delight. It's unfortunate that these people have revealed their true image and cannot even recognize that they are the ones who need to do some work. I'm sorry they've hurt you like this, but I'm so thankful that you know they are the ones missing out.

Angela @ Honey, I Shrunk the Mom said...

I'm so sorry that happened. :( I don't even know what to say. If I were near you I would come and give you a big hug. No one deserves to be treated that way.

Melissa said...

That just makes me so mad! Who do people think they are???

Really sorry, girl. I haven't dealt with that in awhile, but i have had that happen and i thought the same things: They don't know i'm going to the gym 5 days a week, they don't know i am watching every single thing i put in my mouth! (I don't work out 5x/week anymore - need to get back to it! But i was when i was mocked.)

And what makes me just so dang shocked about it is that many times the people making fun are eating popcorn or chips or candy or fast food without a second thought! Like they're so much better just b/c their metabolism is quicker?!



MSDeyle said...

It blows my mind that people actually take the time and energy to be that cruel. I am way too busy with my family and things IMPORTANT to me to focus on others in a negative way.

I would imagine you are like that as well. :)

Ami Church said...

I'm not even sure how I stumbled onto your blog, this is the first post of yours that I read and it hurts my heart so much. You're beautiful inside and I out, I can tell that from your picture and words that you post here, and I'm sorry you had to experience ugly. Just remember (and I tell myself this constantly because everyone struggles with their own insecurities): people's words and actions are a reflection of THEM, no you. Keep your head up, dear <3

a champagne dream

Summer said...

Some people are idiots plain and simple. I have learned since being sick that some people are so vain that when you change they act differently. When I got sick I was a size two, with steroids, chemo and 22 other medications I'm a 12. I am a way bigger girl than I used to be. I am also a stronger girl with a heart of gold which I think beauty is on the inside out. I was at Arby's last year and a girl from my HS was working there. She recognized my squeaky minnie mouse voice and said Summer is that you? Summer the cheerleader from HS? Is that you? You are so big! OMG I can't believe how big you are! Do you have children? I said yes I have a gorgeous daughter, I was so embarrassed for the hubs and our friends were with us but I just said can I have a diet coke I thought it was funny ordering my massive meal with a Diet Coke hey she was being so mean I just was being funny! The hubs said so how do you like Arbys? I know that was mean and there is nothing wrong with working at Arby's but he was so preturbed about it he spoke up. I could have told her my story but I didn't for I didn't think she deserved to know it. It still hurts but I am fine with it for this person was never a friend of mine and there is this thing called Karma! Sorry this has happened to you! People can be so mean but remember you are beautiful so don't let them dull your sparkle!!