People's words, actions, lack there of etc - why do they matter to me? Within the past week I've been in situations where I wanted to just crawl in a hole and wait til dark to come back out.
At Target the other day, I'm with my daughter and being Valentines week the store was kind of busy. Minding my own business we're walking along and I hear 2 teenagers talking. Now, I couldn't make out exactly what was being said but the comments, what I could put together from them, were geared towards me and my weight. There's a chance that maybe, just maybe, please God let it be, that I was mistaken, but I'm almost 90% positive that their conversation was about me and it was mean.
I don't know these people, they shouldn't matter to me, their words or opinion of me shouldn't rate anywhere on my radar, it shouldn't have an effect on me or my self esteem but it did, it does.
And I'm still thinking about it.
Yesterday I ran into someone I used to know. We caught eyes for a second and I thought I knew who it was but I wasn't 100% sure. Then there was laughter, legit in my face laughter. It was a mocking laugh that stuck with me all afternoon. I've never done or said anything to this person before that would warrant this type of response to seeing me. The only thing I can think of is maybe they read my blog? Maybe they were mocking me because they know my struggles and thought it was something to laugh about?
Maybe they're just rude.
Again, I don't have any investment in this person nor should it matter to me one bit what they say or think of me. But, you know what? It still hurts deeply. It's been on my mind all afternoon. So much so that I reached out to them on Facebook, I can see they read my message and yet there's no reply. Which sort of indicates to me that I'm right. That they were laughing at me.
I know I'm overweight. It's pretty obvious since I see myself every day in the mirror. This week in general has been difficult with some self sabotage and then these 2 encounters. I could sit here and validate these 2 things and make my self esteem even that much lower, but right now, I'm going to try talk myself out of it.
They don't know me. They have no idea who I am, as a person, a mother, a wife, a Jesus follower, a friend, daughter. They don't know that I'm kind and funny and friendly and sensitive (so sensitive) and shy. They don't know that I'm probably one of the most approachable people in the world and I'd do my best to try to help anyone if I can. They don't know that I wake up at 3:30 in the morning to go to the gym because I'm trying to lose weight. They don't know the core of me, the woman I really am.
And with that mindset, that #1 its ok to make fun of people #2 people who are different aren't worthy, with that mindset, they'll never get to know me and they're the ones missing out.
So, I had a good cry. I talked to one of my best friends who really helped put things in perspective and while the hurt is still there, I'm ok.