More of my story - NSV

Looking within can be so difficult.  It makes you feel vulnerable and raw and emotional on so many levels.  Learning about who you are as a person is something that is essential for success in all areas of life.  Dedicating time to myself is something that I've always struggled with, especially now as a mother.    I'm linking up with KTJ to celebrate the non-scale victories.  I consider it a huge victory that I'm doing more than just eating right and exercising this time around.  I'm actually taking time for myself to figure things out.    I've discussed before that I had gastric bypass at 24 years old. I was young and immature and really didn't prepare myself mentally for what was to come.   For all the changes that would take place. For how I'd feel. How I'd have to feel because I couldn't eat. I eat to avoid feeling things.   Now, while this doesn't sound deep or complex it was. At 24 I was living for the moment. I was impulsive. You can include 'weight loss surgery' to the 'impulsive' list.

I wanted a quick fix. I wanted to have the surgery, lose weight and be normal. Little did I know what normal really meant.

Within a matter of 6 months I attended a seminar, learned about the surgery, completed all the required doctor visits and medical check-ups and then I was deemed ready for the surgery. I lost over 200 lbs in one year. It was successful. Or so they said.

Within that year I was super restricted on the amount of food I could eat. I made good choices because I had to. There was no room for more food to go and most things made me sick.

In August 2009 my grandmother passed away and I was devastated. This one event caused me to completely backpedal on my weight loss. I was making poor choices all around. Eating the wrong things, drinking too much alcohol, spending time with the wrong people and I was quickly spiraling out of control. I quickly stopped myself from drinking and seeing the wrong crowd but the poor eating habits still stuck around.   Between August 2009 and January 2010 I was slowly gaining weight here and there.    January 19, 2010 I found out I was pregnant.    I used the excuse "eating for 2" all the time and eventually ended up where I am today.  The bad eating habits went from once in a while to my normal routine.  Constantly making poor choices.  Foolishly thinking the weight would just fall off after I had Olivia and now look where I am.  2 1/2 years later and I'm even heavier.    Lately I've been really focused on thinking about my past.  Events that have led me to where I am in life, things that have happened or not happened that make me who I am today.  Some people say that I'm over-analyzing.  That I need to just get over the past and do it this time, exercise, lose weight and not worry about the past.    I feel differently.    Figuring out the what and why and how is essential for me.  I need to know these things in order to prevent the back pedaling from happening again.