Since the tragedy in Newtown, CT my mind has been overcome with thinking of the 26 lives lost that day. As a mother, I can’t even wrap my head around how the parents felt when they received that emergency phone call, how they felt when they were waiting and waiting to be reunited with their children, how they felt when their child never came and how they felt when they were told their children didn’t survive.
That's every parent’s worst nightmare.
I can’t even let myself think about it for very long because it's consuming me... but yet my mind keeps wandering there. Thinking of those children, teachers and staff, their families and loved ones, Christmas without them, the presents they probably already had waiting for them under the tree.
I'm not even directly connected to anyone affected by the CT shooting but it's deeply affected me as a mother. I feel like this tragedy has given me anxiety and I'm pretty sure I had a panic attack while I was at work yesterday. I'm afraid of being away from my husband and Olivia for any amount of time. I'm afraid that something will happen to one of us and we won’t all be together. I'm afraid I won’t be able to protect my daughter. I'm scared to go to the store because of a possible crazed gunman planning his attack. ...but yet at the same time I know logically that I can’t live my life in fear like this. I can’t control everything, God is in control, I know that, but it's not making this any easier.
This world is a scary, scary place.
It's even made me reevaluate things that I do naturally. When you have a child I think you typically draw attention to yourself. People tend to strike up conversation and start to talk to Olivia all the time. I always encourage her to say hi, tell them your name etc. Is that wrong? Do I need to be fearful of people in general? Should I just nod smile and keep moving? It's this awkward place of wanting to be friendly and kind but yet not wanting to put myself or my child in danger.
I hate having to even think about things like this.
I'm so thankful that Olivia doesn’t go to daycare or school yet. I can’t even imagine how parents dropped their children off the following Monday morning after the shooting. They must have been terrified.
Olivia is home all day with her father while I'm at work and home with me when my husband goes to work. I know she's safe being with a parent at all times but it still makes me panic when I call my husband during the day and he doesn’t answer, he's probably cooking or playing with Olivia but I can’t help my mind from going there. From thinking the worst and immediately my anxiety is elevating and my emotions are on edge. Yesterday I drove home and talked to my husband a good portion of my drive. I knew that he and Olivia were ok but when I walked through the door and saw their faces I broke down in tears. I felt relief that I was home, safe with my family.
I've never experienced anything like this before and I'm praying that it passes and God will give me the peace my soul needs.
I saw this video on the Today's Show and I loved the message.
How do you combat evil? With good. Do a random act of kindness for a stranger. This always helps me feel better so I'm hoping that it will this time too.
"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18